Raining Night......

Suddenly remember a lof of things happened before, bloody depressing...

Rain is heavy outside,

Sky is crying,

Again and again............

Sunday...
Beautifully, it keeps raining for the whole day, off and on.

I seat on bed from 3pm to 10pm, listen musc, sleep, and read for the last exam of CCNP. Besides music, it's fucking boring.

Then went out with soccer shoes, ran to Lao Mu's house by 40 minutes, had a cheerful dinner with them at an authentic China restaurant. Got home at 1:30am.

Saturday...

Saw Farhan, Shida and a lot people who I didn't see for a long long time. I always like them.

It was Shida's brithday. We gathered in Scarlet Hotel, which is a small but admirable place.
Celebration, cheers, talking, ice cake, wine, vodka. I have to say it's one of the most lovely birthday parties I will remember forever.
After mid night, they went to Zouk and I left first again...

Otherwise, Gerard told me they drank a lot and got fucking lashed after my leaving on Friday's company party. The best part is, he found an unknown girl sleeping beside him when waking up next day...

Christmas Party

Just woke up, slept 15 hours, still sleepy.

Yesterday is company's Christmas party, at IndoChine beside Singapore river. I was most drunk and left early without noticing them and slept as soon as got home.

Passed those 3 CCNP exams last week.
I finished every one in its half duration and I was feeling deep shamed after the last one because they're such modular, I filled most of questions just by looking at their optional answers without thinking and understanding. It likes a testing of memory at all. Otherwise I have no way to pass in such short term.

Talked to Jiang Yu online yesterday.
He keeps asking me to go back Chengdu and will introduce girls to me.
I'm really keen to hang out with him like before but really don't know the return time due to some complicated reasons...
Actually we'd been best friends since high school, but the only common point we share is, both of us have no idea what english is after studying it in school for 10 years...

Nothing too much to do this weekend but keep reading for next week's exams. Have read through 300 papes resources and still have 100 papes for tonight.

Just had some food outside, bought some banana, dried mango, milk, and a big cup of strawberry Hagen-Daz. Hope sugar is helpful for thinking.
Also cut my hair just now, under the hands of a pretty girl, nice cutting......

A failed day

It's a failed day, failed the first CCNP exam in the morning and lost US$6000 in simulation trading at night though keep trading Bund, Bobl, Bund, Buxl, Euribor more than 6 hours everyday.

Actually I don't feel like trading too much but it's the way I'm supposed to go with and It's hard to stop once having got into the market.

I'm serious with the CCNP exam, the reason caused today's failure is because I slept too much everyday and it was a bit unlucky.
Anyhow three of four exams are coming next week which were asked by me. I was trying to push myself into madness......

Too much sleep, too many dreams

Sleep more than 10 hours everyday recently and dream a lot. I always have a lot of dreams, most of them are bizarre.

The best one is flying: I did dream several times that I could fly in sky freely like a superman, that feeling was bloody truth but no thing left when I woke up...

Yesterday I dreamed a time machine! The whole story was barpque that I couldn't remember clearly: I used that time machine to travel back to change what happened before but failled at first two times, the third time, I successed but been caged by policeman in a building, when I was thinking how to escape, I woke up.

Another good dream is all my funny classmates from primary school to university gathered in one class! Then the class became fucking crazy and hot out of imagination. I couldn't stop laughing and the dream was disturbed by my giggle...

Music is always pleasing, especially after bath on bed at deep night. I didn't Sammi's songs before, but it's nice to listen after many years.

Have to say I'm a bloody lazy guy. I'd not do anything if there has no one to kick my ass. Like tonight, I'm going to take CCNP exam next week but I totally don't feel like to study at all. Sloth will kill me sooner or later...

Nothing too much to write. Every day just sleep, eat, and work. I try to smile in front of mirror, but it's crying...

Everyone is equal and innocent

4:05am, the reason why I'm writing at this moment is because Gerard taught a new word today: sentimental. He tells me he is sentimental, but I forget to tell him: me too....
All of suddenly, I notice I trend to forget many things happened before day by day, gradually and silently.
I don't feel like to forget, but I can't stop it at all. The only thing to do is keeping writing this desolate blog. I don't care no one reads it at all, I just want to record what did happen in my life, what did delight me, and what did hurt me......

Slept at 9am last Saturday because of watching "Prison Break", woke up in the evening and went to book store for some new Cisco books. Then went to Lao Mu, De Jia, Pan Zhe's house, watching they play WOW and having steamboat with them at mid night.
Sunday, watching "Prison Break" till morning again. Met Gerard in office and got that new switch done. Afterward, had dinner with his new "girl friend" who I don't know how to talk about... Only thing I could say is everyone is equal and innocent in the world, but fucking living is destroying them.

Otherwise, I passed CCNA last week after reading for two whole nights. Hope could get CCNP done in next month. It's really an annoying project...

Death Note

I spend more than 10 hours on job everyday, it's not bad, but I really don't feel like to write about it...

Watching "Death Note" till 8am in the morning yesterday. I downloaded the whole cartoon book, 108 chapters, and finished them by two whole nights.
Anyhow it's a brilliant cartoon and all, I couldn't stop thinking about the oppressive death game between L and N even after finishing it.
Seems like a fatal failure is accumulated by many small mistakes of which we never notice, and it's triggered by a small mistake for which we regret. It's always stupidly like that...

Friday night

3:08am, the sound of water drop and the smell of damp blow reminded me it's raining outside now. I still could see far away from my windows as lights of city are illuminating the dark sky. What a peaceful night...

I don't know why I like Borat so much since watched his videos few days ago. Perhaps because he's a crazy shit and the world needs some crazy shits otherwise it will be damned boring like me.
Terribly regretful that his movie released on 2th this month but I couldn't get it from anywhere.

Now, I'm not tired at all, but I'm going to sleep...

Borat! Borat!

1:17am, lie on my white bed again. Don't have too much thing to do, surf Internet, look for new albums, download and listen songs.

Found a super video star: Borat! Watching his videos the whole night yesterday --- Yes! It's nice! Why not!
Actually I couldn't stop myself remember and wirting his words down. Here is the best part:

A: so do you miss your family?

Borat: I miss my old wife, particularly she is dead now

A: tell me about her, you married with her?

Borat: She was boring. When I buy her, from her father by 50 bulks, she was nice, she cooked good, she was good at plough, and her vagina worked well. But then after three years, when she was fifteen, her voice became deep, she received much hair on her chest, and her vagina began to look like the sleeve of wizard. But it's no problem, I had a new wife.

A: so what happened to the first?

Borat: she went out one day, she had much hair on the back, she was confused for a bear and shot by a hunter.

A: that's awful...

Borat: I know, I was upset, there was no boby to plough for two weeks.

"glimpse"

2006, Nov 12th, 3:15pm, Just woke up, kept sleeping for 12 hours and I started writing at this moment because feel damn bored again.

Trying to remember what I did yesterday:

Lay on bed and watched movie in the afternoon. A very good one, "Family Man", played by Nicolas Cage. It didn't impress me by its name at first, but it's really good showing a "glimpse" to see how the missed lives are. It's that kind of story I like...
Ate Ajisen ramen alone in the evening then went to office to finish the upgrade of Eurex gateway.
Met Gerard and other guys from TT at Fullerton Hotel's Post Bar later on, just drink.

However, what I'm going to do today......

Star Wars: Knights of The Old Republic

Sort of busy with playing PC games recent days, Star Wars: Knights of The Old Republic.

It's that kind of RPG game I like and surprisingly it's fucking good surpassing my expectation.
It likes watching movie in the whole process. To talk to all kinds of people, to explore the ancient temple left by aliens, to travell among intergalactic planets which have differently beautiful landscapes, to tremble between Jedi's light and dark forces. I have to say this game is incredible interesting, let me forget other things around.

Don't want to write anymore, I need to continue the adventure :)


--- 2:46am

Just came back home, had some crab with Gerard and his mother at Shanghai Song though my stomach feels bad in the whole day because of those dirty but good barbecue foods I had yesterday night, with Lao Mu, De Jia and Chen Xin.

Anyhow, I still don't feel very good and be sleepy now. Maybe it's time to sleep...

When I get in a taxi and keep thinking where is my house, the driver tells me "Meyer road". I'm absolutely stunned and ask "how do you know that?". He says "I took you before"... It's how I got home at 1:24am tonight.

Everything goes on quietly as it's ordinary pace recently, no danger, no accident, and I'm still safe.
Sometimes I do feel happy like when hanging out with friends, eating nice foods, watching movies, and when 6 people crowded and slept in a small room at Yewjinn's birthday night. Otherwise, we bought a red bra with our signatures as the brithday gift, took more than one hour to walk home after watching movie in the midnight...
However at most of the time, it's just quiet, everything emerges and disappears without any sense.

Had some food at Laupasha before going home just now, square fish and fried rice. They're actually for two persons but I ate them up by myself because I always have a good appetite and I'm always alone...

Still hazy......

For memory, for all the good things I lost

I feel bloody bad right now. It's my legacy, very hard to explain, which happens periodically.
Don't know what to say, don't know what to do, but seat here quietly, enjoy this suffocating torment, for memory, for all the good things I lost that will never come back......

One hour later ------

All of a sudden, a terrible truth sparks in my mind:

In last one year and four months, I dropped out school and kept working day and night without rest, gained some kind of accomplishment out of my age, however, unconsciously, I slowly fell into a deep hole without fun, without friends, without diverse lives, but just working. I think I'd been caged in a colorless world!

Fuck!!!

I don't know what to do to get rid of this, I know I have no way to fall back, I have to believe that it's the desperate life everyone has to experience, but I do bloody hate it more than anything else!

Suddenly I feel like to have a cry...

I should mention that FOW launched again from last Monday to last Wednesday in Singapore. As same as last year, there're a lot of dinner parties and conferences. As same as last year, no one notices me because I always keep quiet and don't talk to other people too much.
I think I terribly lack that kind of natural inherence of talking. I'm not shy, but really don't know what to say at most of the time.

Watched movie at home in the whole afternoon yesterday and had dinner with Huang, Lao Mu, Cheng Xing, and we went to Kbox.
I have no interest to write down how horrible my sound is again...

Went shopping and eating alone at Bugis today. Crying stupid and sad, isn't it?
Called my parent just now. They're still good --- their lifes have been stuck and concreted that no more changes...
Anyhow, I need an early sleep tonight, hope tomorrow everything is fine.

Where's the Moon?

A.D. 2006 October 7th 2:55am, I'm still alive.

Today, maybe yesterday, is supposed to be Mid-Autumn Day --- Ruijuan reminded me that on MSN in the afternoon and I realized it immediately because there always has a bunch of mooncakes in office recently, of which I eat everyday but never enjoy too much...

Actually I saw a big celebration for Mid-Autumn festivals outside where's not far from my house last week, but I forgot it soon since it doesn't mean anything to me, like any other festivals also don't mean anything to me.
If you're happy, every day is a festival, if not, fuck them off.

Stayed in office till 1am just now, kept trading futures at the fantastic Mid-Autumn day, and lost 300 Euredollars.
It's ok, I shouldn't feel any upset with it. The first rule for a prime trader is to eliminate all the human been emotions. Everyone knows it but no one could make it absolutely...

Just opened the window and intended to see how bright the moon is tonight, but where is it?

Today's weather is rare --- cold, gloomy, moist and the wind blowing everywhere. It's wonderful. When I was seating in the second floor of the bus, listening music, looking at that gray sky, I even hoped that the bus could keep going on without stop...

Wild Heart

2:20am, still in office, all other people have left except me... because I'm still trading, Schatz against Bobl.
It's my second day to trade in real money, not too bad at all :)

Trading is an interesting thing, because sometimes it's as if I not trade with other people, but trade with myself. I have to be damn disciplined and control myself seriously more than doing anything else.

Today saw some old women and men dancing inside LauPasa again, that kind of quite bizarre dance that never let me enjoy. And the only words I could say is everyone has a wild heart, which is always veiled and trapped by some awful dogma and tradition.

God's dice!

Listening music and surfing Internet right now. Bought 3 CDs yesterday, all of them are gorgeous. And I have to review last week's emails later on tonight for next week's work. It's tough but something just have no choice.

Woke up 12:00 in this morning, swimming, bath, then said goodbye to the place at where I was living last whole year. There was a pretty Malay girl seating beside swimming pool. I also said goodbye to her, in mind, always :)
Went to Bugis to meet Wilfred, Sherman, YewJinn, ZC, Jielin after settling down the new residence. We're still fine and funny, hanging out till 11pm.

When lying on my new bed, I feel I admire the "God's dice" more and more --- a short piece of hazy conversation could start a remarkable relationship, a momentary event could change people's whole life. However no one will know when the opportunity comes and what the prospect it leads to.
For example, the 5 minutes meeting with Gerard in Challenger at last May caused me to leave school earlier than anyone's imagination. And I don't think I'm an odd monster but I'm still single, and so on...

Burning Music

Went to Adelphi building in the afternoon, saw Wilson again after 4 months. Seems he's always there, smiling and keeping open doors to everyone interested in his Hi-Fi headphone shop.
He asks me to try whatever I like, including the splendid AKG K1000.

Actually I have been thinking to buy a new CD player, Linn Classik, for sometime. The problem is, it's fucking expensive and I have to struggle with myself again and again....
In music game, the rule seems to be obvious --- If you want to get better sound, you have to burn something, like money......
And the thing really makes me upset is, the price of Linn Classik raised 30% this month!

Now, I'm seating in my room, lonely in the whole house. All friends had moved out yesterday.
I'm also supposed to move to the new place today, but I didn't just because I'm curious to know the feeling staying in the big house alone --- nothing special, as same as usual, boring and lonely.

Every stuff has a story

6:03am, 23th Sep, 2006.
Just spent the whole night to tidy up all my stuffs, for today's movement.

I sort of enjoy this feeling, taking out and cleaning up all my things slowly in the silent deep night, concurrently, every tale behind these things rise in my mind. Suddenly I remembered many things of which I would have forgotten. Those pictures, those feelings, but I have no courage to depict them anymore......

I used to throw away as many things as I can when moving house everytime because I really don't like to keep any trashy stuff or have any encumbrance in journey, so did this time. I chucked all the Linux CDs which enlightened my life, the electronical dictionary which once was my English Bible, and a lot of dated clothes.

The dawn's coming, sleepy, I have to have a short sleep now.

Who care?

Finally, I found a new place to stay, a single room in a 3+1 house.
The room is not too bad though I don't like those wooden furnitures too much, 10th floor, a whole glass wall opening a far and wide view without any obstruction, which is the primary feature I look for. And it's near ECP, not far from Raffles.

Actually I always think to have an own small house with two rooms on the top of a high building. It's neat and refined, decorated by polished steel, bright glass wall, colorful carpet and warm blanket, simple and shining without any extra stuffs.
Every time when I imagine the picture, that feeling kills me.
Unfortunately, it's just a impractical dream......

Otherwise, no one knows why I insist to leave my friends and find the house by myself and stay with some people who I didn't know before.
Because I feel bored, it's really boring to live with the same people all the way. Sometimes I just want to open an opporunity to explore a different period of adventurous life. Perhaps it's tough and I'm troubling myself, who care?

Now is 3:40am, I'm going to start writing blog.
. . . . . .
10 minutes later, after staring at the screen and thinking blankly, it's finished.

It's a play

Life doesn't like any fabulous moives starting with a adventurous story and ending with a happy result. It's always silent in void, endless in darkness, scenes keep emerging and repeating without stop, you even can't choose to surrender or to die --- It's a play, a infinite play going on under the bless of the damn God.

Some time ago, I pursued the enlightenment of saints and the truth of the world, but finally I realized doing those things is as silly as learning HyperMath by dog's brain.
I'm a human, the only thing I could understand is just trying to enjoy every day's mortal living. That's all.

Truth be told, I have been feeling sort of tired with the IT job though it's the only shining part of my life right now.
I will never leave IT and I also won't embrace IT to the end of the century. The world could be breathlessly boring without new adventures.

So the next is Futures Trading.
The fair becomes more and more interesting recently. I have to admit the gorgeous current situation and I always wish to do some great things.
It's not necessary conceal the natural ambition :)

However, two hell things still haunting me a lot: depression and fear.

English Return

Play needs to go on......

灰暗的灯光中发现镜子里面那张沮丧的脸又胖了不少。。。

我无意一次又一次地述说自己与身俱来的沮丧心情，更无意炫耀，只是不想让一切无声无息的湮没在黑暗中，好像什么都没有发生过一样。我是一个懦弱无能,索然无趣的人！
感觉自己站在IT的山峰上，才看清IT原来是如此的黯然无光，没有前途，却又无路可退。
我不曾埋怨任何人，也不曾后悔，如果一定要一个解释，只会是我不愿相信的命运。

真是可怜，连明天该去哪里，该做什么都不知道。。。

现在是4：31am，9月1号。这是个让人憎恨的日子，因为暑假结束了 --- 如果我还在中国，还在学校。

今天不知道怎么了，没什么事情，有点点困，但就不愿意睡觉。

这两天都下雨，在我出门之前开始下，而且很大，想是老天故意要配合我的心情。

发现自己blog变得越来越肤浅，总是一些琐碎杂事。或许应该开始写一些有内涵的东西，比如家仇国恨，生死离别。但要我这样肤浅的人写深奥的故事和道理，真是个困难。

还是睡觉吧，不知道今晚又会梦到什么。梦到什么都不重要，反正每次醒来只剩遗忘。。。