I thought my speaking English improved during last two years but I found I was totally wrong after listening the sound record of today's meeting.

No doubt I'm feeling ashamed of that fucking crappy and ugly sound I have. And I really appreciate the people who have been bearing with me day by day.

Anyhow, I'm seriously disappointed and ashamed of myself now. There must have a way out.....

I make up my future

I'm never such convinced than this moment that to be a cursed person I have to painfully struggle with my inherent weaknesses and fears all the way till death. I'm feeling such strongly now that I should never stop making up my desperate future which would be dominated by no one except myself.

Nothing happened today, just fell into terrible depression again without reasons, might because of Gerard's leave, might not at all.

I just need to make change and be strong.

Night out...

I'm not feeling like to write now but it's quite bored and void since I just woke up from some bizarre dreams and couldn't fall asleep anymore.

There're plenty of night outs at TMG because of those robust and competent alcoholics who're trying to bring me down.
Whole company went to LIFFE party tonight at Raffle Hotel then extended the function to Post Bar which I didn't follow anymore. Last Friday was Jeffrey's birthday, La Baroque then Orchard Tower.
Actually I feel I'm losing myself but have no way to explain...... Seems everyone is bored naturally that needs stuffs to fill in, love, drinks, study, work, religion, whatever.

Bought new shoes with Lao Mu at weekend, happy.

I can't make them right

It's a fucking bad day, absolutely.

My first love tells me online that she's going to marry. I feel fine. Then she tells me she's going to marry a guy who just meet for two months and he is 9 years older than her and divorced before. Then the only thing I realize all of suddenly is that there're always some mysterious and wizard principles I could not interpret and all.

Truth be told, I have no consideration with my marriage, for me it looks like jail of freedom, funeral of love. Anyhow I have no right or interest to judge it because I'm still a single and lonely pervert.

Lost US$1300 on trading today, feel totally fucked even I don't need to pay it and Gerard doesn't say anything about that. I have to keep thinking where I was wrong.

It's always irritating to myself: I perceive I did something wrong, but I don't know how to make them right even could travel back by a time machine.