I'm not feeling such depressed for a long time, no specific reason, just feeling depressed, no one knows.
My body is tired and weak. I'm seating in office but don't want to do anything, waiting to die.
Don't know what to say, just want to have a long long sleep, if I could......

Laughing and Crying

I lost many things before, I felt crying sad, but I'm still alive because I gained a lot of things at the same time, like the trip back to Chengdu last week.

Nevertheless I'm not feeling like to describe any fucking beautiful or crazy things happened last week. They like precious treasures only belonging to the people who open it, never forget.

Besides the personal stuffs, Chengdu's development in last three years really shocked me. I could see how wealthy and flourish it has been. It has every luxurious thing Singapore has with same prices. For eating and shopping, Chengdu is definitely a much better heaven.

Sometimes I really feel badly pride and excited because of my friends, my knowledge, and my prestige, but I'm still crying sad with those lost things...

These pictures are taken by my cell phone K750 during the three day trip to Hailuo Valley:

It's supposed to be a new year again and again

It's the eve of Chinese new year, no meaning for me.
Had dinner with Gerard at 11pm then went to Mustafa at litte Indian first time to exchange some money for this morning's trip.
It's amazing that Mustafa is a such big shopping mall open 24 hours and people are so crowed inside. Actually I feel quite comfortable to walk around there even it's after midnight, even I'm alone. I have liked that messed place :)

Just remembered I forgot to write something about the Valentine Day on last Wednesday. It's totally sweet and perfect except I'm single. Woke up at 2pm, arrived office at 3pm, eta and went shopping with Yewjinn and Shaun at 5pm.

My fly back China is in this morning, pitifully only 8 days:

1th day --- arrive at 5pm, father and mother will pick me up.
2th day --- hang out with my cousins, have dinner with relations.
3th - 5th day --- go to Hai Luo Valley with a bunch of nice fuckers.
6th day --- see the classsmates of senior high school
7th day --- don't know. I really want to meet Li Yang, who has one of the most ugly face and brilliant philosophical mind in the world that influent me a lot when we were roommate in university :)
8th day --- don't know

Shopping is always good

4:39am, just took a bath after finishing sending some working emails, don't know what to say, just not feeling like to sleep even I have to wake up before noon for CME lunch today...

Bought a nice sweater yesterday, because I don't want to be frozen when arriving Chengdu next week.
Bought a pair of black leather shoes today, but I never like to wear it, it's only for special business occasion which happens once a month. My old TimberLand one wore out last week all of suddenly. I always like TimberLand's shoes since it's so conformable that I really could feel the touch of the ground.
Also bought some underwear and CD.

Ok, I should stop bullshit and go bed now... Shopping is always good

Saturday, Afternoon, Sunny

It is a super wonderful weather to go out today and I really want to go shopping but don't know which one to call, pathetic :(

I will be back!

Finally I decided to go back Chengdu for one week in Chinese new year after talking to Jiang Yu and Ye Yi online.

I haven't seen them for three years but I strongly believe they're still fucking indecent and snobbish as we were in university and that's why I like them so much that we would do all kinds of shit things together :)

Nevertheless as soon as I made my mind, a few annoying things came out for me to settle before leaving...

A lot of things happened this week. I'm still the same.

...........

Deleted all what I just wrote in halfway because of tiredness and boreness.

That's all

One more weekend has gone, nothing remarkable.

Watched S.H.E. concert with Shaun in yesterday evening. It was still rainning after that but I couldn't find any cab then I had to keep walking until the rain wet all my clothes.
Gerard called me at 2:30am for supper. I went out again.

Today, slept at home the whole day. I'm always fucking good at sleeping problely I have some kind of sick inside.
Had barbecue food with Lao Mu, Pan Zhe, De Jia and played Warcraft3 with them at night.

That's all, all my life.

I must become tough

3:11am, Saturday morning.
Just arrived home because I had to make a phone call with Susan at Chicago regarding the replacement of eCBOT gateway, then had some square fish at LauPaSat, the only nice food there, alone.

Had a tough conversation with Mike in the evening.
Actually I realized I'm a weak guy a long time ago and I'm always trying to become tough but it's just fucking difficult to go against natural.
Anyhow Mike's a brilliant person to work for.

Bought a new game pad today, can not wait to try it :)

6:25am, 25th

It's totally weired tonight: I got bed at 4am but couldn't fall asleep till now and had to get up to write blog.
I was keeping thinking and making up many scenes in classroom which could happen but had never happened before. There's no sadness or depression, conversely, they're crazy and funny and make me smiling and really excited.
Nevertheless they're just my well fantasy that will disappear anytime in next minute, after that I'm still a pathetic guy...

Dreams

I dreamed classroom yesterday, again. It's always crowded and boiling, full of mad laughing.
Actually I not think about it at daytime at all, it just bumps out unconsciously.

Also dreamed going back China.
It has become a sort of annoying problem because I didn't go back near 3 years, there're so many relations and friends to see but I'm really lazy and afraid of troublesome routines.
I'm even thinking to fly back sneakly and just hang out with those friends I'm willing to see...

Anyhow, I learned a new word from Dreamfall yesterday: PATHETIC. What else I could say?...

Otherwise, something haunted the whole day, but it released immediately after midnight...

Nothing to say because I stay at home the whole day, play game, eat noodlecup and icecream. Now my mind is quite numb.

Everyone asks me if I would go back China in Chinese new year, I tell everyone I don't know.
Maybe yes, maybe not, no one knows, probably not...

Tired today, start working at 10am, meet Wilfred, Yewjinn, Shaun, Sherman and Caiqi at Orchard at 2pm, then back to office at 9pm, just arrive home.

It's always happy to see and talk to them, eating, cuting hair, shopping, watching movie, and eating again.
They will graduate from school in two months. I was supposed to be graduated with them before... When looking back, sometimes I still feel I'm a student...

My M6N crashed last week. Guess it's because of the virus got from surfing porn. It's bloody ashamed that even I got virus...

Best Wishes to Linda

She is the girl I saw first day in school at May 2004 because of her beauty, she was in white T-shirt and short skirt at that day, however we never talked or knew each other, and we won't talk and know each other in future, but I still could remember her because of her blog, which is full of wonder love.

I didn't read her blog for about one year, I found it in my bookmark today...

Nothing to say anymore except "Best Wishes" --- I rarely give anyone wishes, so I strongly believe it's special and efficacious :)

Crazy Wedding

Seat in office again, alone, listening music, writing blog, working on the configuration of those routers and virtual machines.
Actually no one asks me to come to office at weekend at all, I'm just bored and it's my duty and burden...

Bought a 1G memory for my M6N at Fu Nan just now. It's a bit lag to play some high quality 3D games now, however, it's always beautiful since I got it 2 years ago :)

Attended a wedding with Huang, Wen Juan, Qian, Lao Mu, Pan Ze, De Jia, Tongtong yesterday, ate and played Warcraft III with them till 4am.
It's really nice to see all of them together, they're the only friends from China I have now.
The grand wedding is not bad, at least better than what I thought. However the mad point is, I've no idea who the couple are and I'm not invited at all... I just go with them for fun and food...

"how is the wedding?"
"food is good"
"When're you going to marry?"
"No idea, I think I should find a gf first"
"......"

3:45am, just arrived home with a cup of icecream. I started working around 3pm today and left office at 3am. It's my crazy job, I could do whatever I like during it but I must be present whenever I'm needed.

Had a glass of drink outside with Mike and Gerard after midnight, just one glass made me feel sleepy...

Anyhow, I'm going to have a long long sleep tonight, feel sort of sad now...

Only sleep 4 hours everyday in last 5 days, hanging out with friends for the damned new year and playing game day and night.

"The Legend of Heroes VI", it's a fucking brilliant RPG game made by Japanese. I realised it's not about fun and interest anymore, it's about passion and dream :)

-------------------------------------

Saw my cousin online today and she asked me to write an English composition for her teacher, the title is "A Special Job".
I was feeling really troublesome... After thinking for a while only found three jobs which were supposed to be special in my mind: Spy, Killer, Prostitute...
And here is the composition I wrote for my cousin. She feels happy with it...

My job is simple and special: hide, shoot and disappear, because I’m a killer, a quite good killer in the world.

Actually I’m a meciful person who don’t kill any animal even a fly normally except for a specific reason like money. Money always causes me to become bloody and brutal. Money also causes other people to become like me, but they just don’t dare to kill.

I have no enemy since few people know my existence, and the people who know my existence and try to be my enemy have been sleeping underground.

That's about my job, KILLER, simple and special.

New year

Only ate some fruit and biscuit whole day in office and had a cup of drink with them after finishing working at mid night, then went home with cupnoodles and two big cups of icecream...
Seems no body feels like to have supper with me tonight, crying sad.

It's relaxed recently. I was watching "Little Britain" whole day in office. It's also a crazy comic show.

I feel sort of uncomfortable that everyone says "happy new year" to me. I couldn't find any reason for me to be happy just because of the damned new year...

Sacrifice?

I'm feeling bloody depressed now... Nothing specially happened, I just felt totally stuck all of suddenly...

Toughness, Tolerance, Sacrifice. I always believe they're the three elements bonding in my life. Actually I never intended to sacrifice anything. It just makes me feel better to think in that way for whatever I lost before, but it's still killing me day by day...

Finally watched Borat's new movie. I have no specific comment except crazy shit, that I like.

------ 2:20am

Just finished the last cup of cupnoodle. I'm going to have an early sleep today...

Sad to be older

26th, yesterday, is supposed to be my birthday, but I intend to see no one particularly.

Woke up at 3pm. Went to office and spent two hours there thinking and planning what to do in next two weeks. Then went to Fu Nan IT Mall to buy some PC games, but only bought one movie: 2046, a fabulous movie I watched once before.

I didn't mention to anyone with regard to my birthday, but a few people still remembered it.....
It's always bloody sad to be older and older.

Every day has mass good foods recently. I really need more exercises...

Year by Year......

Now is raining season that rained two times this week. The first time lasts 3 days, the second time lasts 4 days.

Tonight is supposed to be Christmas night. I started sleeping in the evening after fullfilling my stomach, wondering if I could find a surprise in socks when waking up...
It's a delightful thing to sleep in such raining night with music and white blanket, since I have used to be lonely and silent.
I not feel upset or disturbed anymore.....

Unfortunately, Lao Mu's call woke me up before midnight.
I actually didn't plan to go out with anybody tonight before he rang me second time. Then I went out and played WarCraft 3 with them for the whole night, sadly...

Had a nice dinner with Gerard, Naresh and Leepeng in Scarlet Hotel's Breeze Bar. I'm still feeling sort of dizzy right now because of one glass of Champagne and two cups of Cranberry Vodka --- I'm never good at drinking

Wind's blowing like crazy tonight. I close light and open all windows.

Passed all 4 CCNP exams in 10 days, truth be told, I have no specical feeling with the success.
Things're always funny: when they're far aways, we consider they're mysterious and admirable, but when we have already approached them, we realize it's just like that, not a big deal.

I have no idea what to do every night again. Watched the whole season 2 of Prison Break by one night yesterday.
Now I totally understand why Naresh and Leepeng always like drinking so much. It's just because of boreness. Everyone's trying to find something to do to treat the dreadfully boring life...

Raining Night......

Suddenly remember a lof of things happened before, bloody depressing...

Rain is heavy outside,

Sky is crying,

Again and again............

Sunday...
Beautifully, it keeps raining for the whole day, off and on.

I seat on bed from 3pm to 10pm, listen musc, sleep, and read for the last exam of CCNP. Besides music, it's fucking boring.

Then went out with soccer shoes, ran to Lao Mu's house by 40 minutes, had a cheerful dinner with them at an authentic China restaurant. Got home at 1:30am.

Saturday...

Saw Farhan, Shida and a lot people who I didn't see for a long long time. I always like them.

It was Shida's brithday. We gathered in Scarlet Hotel, which is a small but admirable place.
Celebration, cheers, talking, ice cake, wine, vodka. I have to say it's one of the most lovely birthday parties I will remember forever.
After mid night, they went to Zouk and I left first again...

Otherwise, Gerard told me they drank a lot and got fucking lashed after my leaving on Friday's company party. The best part is, he found an unknown girl sleeping beside him when waking up next day...

Christmas Party

Just woke up, slept 15 hours, still sleepy.

Yesterday is company's Christmas party, at IndoChine beside Singapore river. I was most drunk and left early without noticing them and slept as soon as got home.

Passed those 3 CCNP exams last week.
I finished every one in its half duration and I was feeling deep shamed after the last one because they're such modular, I filled most of questions just by looking at their optional answers without thinking and understanding. It likes a testing of memory at all. Otherwise I have no way to pass in such short term.

Talked to Jiang Yu online yesterday.
He keeps asking me to go back Chengdu and will introduce girls to me.
I'm really keen to hang out with him like before but really don't know the return time due to some complicated reasons...
Actually we'd been best friends since high school, but the only common point we share is, both of us have no idea what english is after studying it in school for 10 years...

Nothing too much to do this weekend but keep reading for next week's exams. Have read through 300 papes resources and still have 100 papes for tonight.

Just had some food outside, bought some banana, dried mango, milk, and a big cup of strawberry Hagen-Daz. Hope sugar is helpful for thinking.
Also cut my hair just now, under the hands of a pretty girl, nice cutting......

A failed day

It's a failed day, failed the first CCNP exam in the morning and lost US$6000 in simulation trading at night though keep trading Bund, Bobl, Bund, Buxl, Euribor more than 6 hours everyday.

Actually I don't feel like trading too much but it's the way I'm supposed to go with and It's hard to stop once having got into the market.

I'm serious with the CCNP exam, the reason caused today's failure is because I slept too much everyday and it was a bit unlucky.
Anyhow three of four exams are coming next week which were asked by me. I was trying to push myself into madness......

Too much sleep, too many dreams

Sleep more than 10 hours everyday recently and dream a lot. I always have a lot of dreams, most of them are bizarre.

The best one is flying: I did dream several times that I could fly in sky freely like a superman, that feeling was bloody truth but no thing left when I woke up...

Yesterday I dreamed a time machine! The whole story was barpque that I couldn't remember clearly: I used that time machine to travel back to change what happened before but failled at first two times, the third time, I successed but been caged by policeman in a building, when I was thinking how to escape, I woke up.

Another good dream is all my funny classmates from primary school to university gathered in one class! Then the class became fucking crazy and hot out of imagination. I couldn't stop laughing and the dream was disturbed by my giggle...

Music is always pleasing, especially after bath on bed at deep night. I didn't Sammi's songs before, but it's nice to listen after many years.

Have to say I'm a bloody lazy guy. I'd not do anything if there has no one to kick my ass. Like tonight, I'm going to take CCNP exam next week but I totally don't feel like to study at all. Sloth will kill me sooner or later...

Nothing too much to write. Every day just sleep, eat, and work. I try to smile in front of mirror, but it's crying...