夜半三点一遍又一遍地听着张惠妹的“如果你也听说”，有点困但不想睡，总觉得今天有些未了的心愿却又想不起到底是什么，于是就这样歪歪斜斜地躺在床上听着歌写着blog静静地想着。

星期五晚上罢工和Wilfred, Yewjinn, Sherman一起吃东西看烟火吃冰激凌看电影然后再吃东西。

星期六公司party，在Tangling Village。关于那个地方我什么都不想说除了真TMD是个好地方。

今天天气不错，大雨过后天阴阴的，凉凉的风卷着树叶到处乱飞。下午3点起床洗澡去公司升级服务器，晚上到老穆家玩魔兽一起吃东西。

明天应该早起，10点。好像要不够睡了。。。

Thursday ---
Just came home and took a bath, lying on bed and writing blog to wait my hair dry.

Seriously I'm fucking sleepy now since kept trading 14 hours without going out office. Naresh packeted spicy seafood pasta for me which is really my favor and I kept drinking water all the time.

Friday ---
Just came home and took a bath, lying on bed and continuing writing blog to wait my hair dry.

Seriously I'm still fucking sleepy since only slept 7 hours yesterday which is far from enough and watched the new The Bourne Ultimatum at Orchard after midnight just now, very good one!

Keep up and smile

It's my meditation day, stayed at home for the whole day, read, slept, read, slept, read, slept......

Finally after midnight I was starving and called Lao Mu to go eat Crab and Lobster at No Signboard Seafood, which reminded me the hard life I had when working there as a part-time waiter two years ago while I was still in school.

"Everyone gets their moment", I believe that. However no one could see or imagine what bloody terrible moments I suffered before. I will remember that period forever and never mention to anyone. Just keep up and smile!

After failed the last exam of CCSP on Wednesday, I started trading German bonds and Euribor again.

Seriously trading is a bloody tough but interesting thing torturing me. I strongly felt that I was fighting with no one but myself, and all my fear, anxiety, pride, indiscipline and greed.

And my sight got worse and worse recently because stared at those screens more than 10 hours everyday...

It's just Monday and after finishing work at midnight Gerard took Nigel, Pojak and me to a club filled with prostitutes from Thailand.

As usual, I felt drunk very soon after some cups of drinks and went home earlier.

Truth be told, some girls there are fucking hot and I never doubt I will start engaging with them one day in future but not now because seems there are still much shame and fear inside me...

Just finished to watch the latest episodes of Entourage through the whole night, nothing to say but fucking good, made me excited.

红尘万丈啊

惊世骇俗的李扬同学前天在qq上给我说这个世界真无聊要不是有女人折磨他他早就活不下去了，我一听就是知道他又被中意已久的女同学无情地拒绝了，并且又听到了他曾经听到过无数次的慰籍：“我们还是做朋友吧”!

我安慰他这又不是第一次了你早就应该习惯了所以不要这么忧伤，他说他忧伤是主要因为左手受伤了，我说你丫别老是用左手还是试试右手吧。。。

About last week

Tuesday, company's anniversary party at Scarlet Hotel.
Surprisingly I saw Farhan doing part-time job there and we ate and drank together which billed on company:) I do fucking miss time we had in school!

Yewjinn, Sherman and Shaun came to my office on Wednesday. We had Sushi for dinner and watched the new Harry Potter movie in Thursday morning. I really like VIVO City.

Friday is CQG party at Kazbar, nothing interesting except the food...

Slept at home for 12 hours on Saturday, bought some new CDs and contact lenses at Parkway, then played Warcraft at Lao Mu's house for the whole evening, just returned home.

I know it's a messed up week. I have decided no matter what happen tomorrow, I will to stay home to read and study the fucking CCSP --- 3 exams are coming next week as I passed 2 of 5 last week.

Regarding Yuyu

Yuyu was my classmate in primary school many many years ago. Now she's in US&A but we still contact on MSN once in a while.

I have to say that both my best buddy and I felt like her at that time but it's just a phase of my retarded infancy passed by very soon.

I also have to say that she was one of the prettiest girls at that time but seems the situation turned around during last decade by some unartificial and biologic reasons ruled by damn God who has the awful power of creation and recreation.

Surely she was fucking pissed when I talked to her about her current outer appearance yesterday even I was trying to be decent and civilized.
Otherwise I have to apologize that I always have the bad habit to enjoy irritating my friends by my honest words and faithful heart...... !_!

Anyhow people deserve truths and I don't give phony compliments :)

After work, drank and ate with those guys at some bars almost everyday this week, but I can never take more than two cups of alcohol...

Watched Transformers two times last weekend, one with Lao Mu and Pan Zhe, another one with Shaun, Sherman, Yewjinn and Wilfred.
I don't think the new movie is so great. The original cartoon made 10 years ago is still the best!

Betting soccer with Shaun recently. I actually have no idea about any of these matchs, but it's enough that Shaun knows.
I just feel when playing games with the people I feel happy with, win or loss is not so important anymore, like I'm still happy even we lost near 800 bucks this week...

I've started looking for a new house, as in Singapore I never stayed at a same place for more than one year, as there has one kind of lives called straying.

Storm is coming

After the talk with Gerard regarding his leaving in the afternoon, I really have no idea what's going to happen in next few months and how it will influence me, the only thing I could see is, storm is coming, for both demolishment and regeneration.

I tell Gerard I have no hard feeling about it even I'm right inside the storm and actually I'm willing to see the upheaval.

Honestly I don't have any plan or prospect right now because nothing except myself is in my control, I just feel sort of excited to see something interesting happen in my life even it comes with pains which won't be more severe than the ones I went through before.

I didn't choose anything, destiny chose me.

I couldn't recall what I have done in last whole week except watching Entourage every night, and I have nothing to say about it except fucking good.

With regards to my work, it's supposed to be going on well, no one gives me presure and no thing pricks my ass, but I just really feel uncomfortable to do things without presures and adventures day by day, it's killing.

Still can't sleep before 6am and wake up before 2pm. It's considered to be decent to watch sunrise before going bed everyday...

Happiness is simple and short

Don't need to think anything, don't need to worry about tomorrow, I'm feeling quite good now since nothing makes me feel bad, lying on bed, writing blog, listening Michael Buble's CD by my dear NE20 and UM2, fucking nice vocality, fucking happy night! Even I know it will vanish pretty soon...

Sunday

Sunday again, slept 12 hours and stayed at home the whole day for the potential possibility of study...

Read a book named "Treasure Bond Basis". I actually have no idea what a fuck it talks about even in the first chapter, but I still keep reading and devoutly praying for god's enlightenment.

Listen Michael Buble new CD which's just bought yesterday.
I strongly believe my voice was as gorgeous as him in my previous life and this's why my singing is unfortunately in an opposite way this life for some equilibrium reason...

Try to play "Legend of Heros 6" one more time, but can't get into it anymore...

Today I had nothing except litchi, eat litchi almost everyday recently. Its wonderful taste always makes me mad and cheerful.

Anyhow it's a fucking boring day to stay home, my unknown future girlfriend will be cryingly sad if she knows that !_!

I thought my speaking English improved during last two years but I found I was totally wrong after listening the sound record of today's meeting.

No doubt I'm feeling ashamed of that fucking crappy and ugly sound I have. And I really appreciate the people who have been bearing with me day by day.

Anyhow, I'm seriously disappointed and ashamed of myself now. There must have a way out.....

I make up my future

I'm never such convinced than this moment that to be a cursed person I have to painfully struggle with my inherent weaknesses and fears all the way till death. I'm feeling such strongly now that I should never stop making up my desperate future which would be dominated by no one except myself.

Nothing happened today, just fell into terrible depression again without reasons, might because of Gerard's leave, might not at all.

I just need to make change and be strong.

Night out...

I'm not feeling like to write now but it's quite bored and void since I just woke up from some bizarre dreams and couldn't fall asleep anymore.

There're plenty of night outs at TMG because of those robust and competent alcoholics who're trying to bring me down.
Whole company went to LIFFE party tonight at Raffle Hotel then extended the function to Post Bar which I didn't follow anymore. Last Friday was Jeffrey's birthday, La Baroque then Orchard Tower.
Actually I feel I'm losing myself but have no way to explain...... Seems everyone is bored naturally that needs stuffs to fill in, love, drinks, study, work, religion, whatever.

Bought new shoes with Lao Mu at weekend, happy.

I can't make them right

It's a fucking bad day, absolutely.

My first love tells me online that she's going to marry. I feel fine. Then she tells me she's going to marry a guy who just meet for two months and he is 9 years older than her and divorced before. Then the only thing I realize all of suddenly is that there're always some mysterious and wizard principles I could not interpret and all.

Truth be told, I have no consideration with my marriage, for me it looks like jail of freedom, funeral of love. Anyhow I have no right or interest to judge it because I'm still a single and lonely pervert.

Lost US$1300 on trading today, feel totally fucked even I don't need to pay it and Gerard doesn't say anything about that. I have to keep thinking where I was wrong.

It's always irritating to myself: I perceive I did something wrong, but I don't know how to make them right even could travel back by a time machine.

3 Years already

I have to make a mark for today: the same day 3 years ago, I arrived Singapore. Everything around me has changed during last 3 years, but I'm still the same, stupid, stubborn, and more snobbish. And I do feel satisfied with current living by laughing at myself or everything :)

Interestingly I had a bizarre dream after having some drinks with Berney, Nigel and Jeffrey at Orchard Tower yesterday: when I wake up from some dreams, I find I'm sleeping at the old house where I lived in 10 years ago, and I lost most of the memory, I keep thinking painfully why and how I'm here until wake up again. The dream of the dream is just as real as everything.

I guess the only comment I want to say right now for last 3 years is --- there are always some beautiful or interesting sparks shining in life that mostly depend on if we could see, ignite or catch them. If we could, we should hold them as treasures. If we couldn't, the only thing can do is smiling and keep them in memory, never forget.

It's done

Gerard called me at 4am to eat at Geylang just now like yesterday I went to 7-11 at 5am to buy bread.

Walked through the nature reserve park by 5 hours last weekend, quit nice. Play Warcraft when bored. Reading a fucking book called "Trading STIR Futures".

Actually I'm feeling absolutely bad the whole night, psychologically, no reason just like every time before.
Sort of start hating blogging now, I won't write anymore in a quite while for whatever reasons.
I'm done.

"The Notebook" !!!

Just finished watching "The Notebook", damned movie! It makes me ashamed in first 20 minutes and makes me nearly cry at the end. I couldn't be thinking it as a movie anyhow, it's a beautiful fable.

What's love?! Perhaps a treasure that everyone pursuing desperately, but most likely just a passional and short phase for most of common people in the real world.
It makes me confusing and sorrowful once thinking about it. I don't fucking know!

I also tell myself I would never be waiting for death or anything in the chilly resthome or hospital when the age is despairingly old - I will end it by myself before everything turns pale and gray.

9:43pm, in office, everyone has gone to LIFFE party except me, because I'm still sick and antisocial, snivel all the time.
Eating apple and listening music now, will go home soon after this, quite early tonight...

Nothing to say, sick today because of aircon, headache but no one can see from my face, always like that...
Saw my auntie who came to Singapore for business in the afternoon. I respect her a lot.

I found I was wrong yesterday when collecting VISA and watching furnitures in today's afternoon: money does make a huge sense for me because there are many nice things I want...

Will leave for Malaysia at 6am which is three and half hours later, but I just arrived home, haven't taken bath, packeted stuffs and slept, sort of fucked...

I swore to get up around 12 o'clock to go swimming from last week but never made it once, slept 10 hours everyday...

I'm still at a loss, don't know where is my next stage, just sit around in office, reading finance news and watching Eurex and LIFFE markets.

Likely I will leave for Malaysia in Friday morning with Yewjinn and other guys. However I have no idea where to go and what's going to do there, I just believe that it will be fun to have trip with them :)

Money keeps flowing out from pocket recently, don't know how and why. I'm not rich or anything, I just sometimes think I'm not buying a house or a car and I'm single thus money doesn't make too much sense right now.

Something definitely wrong

Something definitely wrong. I'm feeling quite uncomfortable because I suffered and struggled with so many pains before but now my life looks like such easy and soft all of suddenly. I realize those impulse and passion are going off from me and I'm becoming moderate and normal day by day. I really hate that, I need a breach.

Friday ---
Eat and drink at Harries Bar in the evening, which is named Company Party.
Go Kbox with Lao Mu, De Jia, Pan Zhe and Tong tong after midnight.

Saturday ---
Wash all my messed up clothes after waking up then go to Lao Mu's house. Play Warcraft with them for the whole day and whole night.

Sunday ---
Go Queensway and buy a running shoe with Yewjinn, Sherman, Wilfred then watch movie at Orchard.
"Messenger", it's a fucking horrible movie I'm always afraid to see. I had to close my eyes at the most time. Anyhow it's a boring movie.

Something is wrong!

Woke up at 2pm.
Met Yewjinn, Sherman, Caiqi, Wilfred at Bugis at 5pm then went eat and slack at Fish&Corps and Haagen-Dazs.
Had food with Gerard at Geylang after finishing work at 2:30am.
Just came home.

I keep thinking something is wrong recently because there has not too much thing to do at work and life becomes such easing...

Seems haven't written blog for some days, sort of busy in last two weeks with working, hanging out and playing Warcraft3 with friends, watching Heroes and Little Britain series, and moving house.

So my new room is totally ok. The only disappointing thing is the view in windows is not as wide as before. It's just at floor 7, shame...

4am already. Arrive home after 2am everyday since I keep working more than 10 hours from Monday to Friday otherwise it's fucking boring to stay at home alone.

Put all force on Exchange Server 2007 last three days. It's easy and happy to make it running exclusively but it's always extraordinarily troublesome when security issues are involved into Windows system especial for email server that it still have to rely on Linux system and Firewall to safely communicate with Internet.

Right place Right time

Damned woke up at 8:30am this morning, took one hour MRT and saw Shaun at Woodland, for nothing, he just asked me to go RP with him and have lunch together because we're friends. We have been good friends since we were in school.

I do think people become friends or fall in love not because they match each other perfectly in the first place, perhaps they don't match at all, but they still become friends or fall in love just because they meet and talk at a right place a right time. That's the real matter...

"You Should See The World"

Went to some clubs at Geylang and Orchard Tower Friday night with Berny, Nigel, Jeffrey. There is some interesting entertainment happening there called prostitution. According their words: "You Should See The World".
Actually there do have some attracting girls who can catch me easily outside, and I never doubt that one day I probably would fall into that kind of hobby or natrual desire...
Arrived home at 7am, just drinking and touring.