上个星期在网上发现现在PSP有不少好游戏而且都不要钱于是第二天就去买了台白色的搞得最近几天睡眠严重不足不过感觉很爽。

上星期在Vivo City看见一个美女突然有种被感动的感觉然后对视三秒一笑而过。我总是这样，明明想要的却从来不肯说出口，于是只好看着许多美好的东西擦肩而过总远地消失在生命当中，回忆中懊恼，我真他妈的虚伪和懦弱。

宿命的得失

我喜欢睡觉，因为常常会有些奇异的梦境，而且几乎从来不失眠，但今晚例外。

想象，生命是一棵顺着时间盘绕而上的参天大树，每个分叉都是一个选择，而人生的悲哀在于在每个分叉口只能选择一次，回不了头也永远不会知道在其它成千上万的枝干上可能发生的快乐或是悲伤，于是在抉择中彷徨，在对错中迷茫。

我总是情不自禁地去想象，想象在过去从未发生过的事情，想象在将来也不会出现的场景，一幅幅画面和一段段搞笑的对话不断在脑海中闪现，虚幻而美丽动人，让我兴奋无法入睡。

或许，这只是一个寂静的夜晚，而我，也只是在宿命的得失中寻找平衡而已。

Now I feel stuck in trading, I haven't made any money in last three months, and looks like it's always wrong no matter what I try to do recently, devastating.

For what I did before, they always can be done by hard studying and working, but it doesn't work for trading at all, seems trading always tends to break out the guideline of my knowledge, experience and statistic.

I thought I was going to be a good trader 6 months ago, but now I doubt it, I never feel such despairing that the opportunity is right in my hand but I just could not make it and all.

"The achievement without suffering is not reliable", it's what Gerard told me. I believe it and I never want to give up, but I've started figuring what I'd like to do in future other than being a trader.

Sunday Afternoon

The sunshine is wonderful today, I seat in front of the window for the whole afternoon after woke up at 2pm, watching the boats on river, watching the city under sky, and listening music quietly.
The sound of UM2 is incredible that it's hard to be described by any words, simple melody for all musics.

It sort of pissed me off yesterday that policeman blocked all the entrances to Tanjong Rhu and I had to get off taxi and walked home by near one hour at 4am!

徘徊啊。。。

感觉已经好久都没写过日记因为最近风平浪静天下太平除了在公司搞期货输了点钱之外并没有什么事情值得哀怨。

上星期休了一个星期的假和江昱叶翼去热浪岛游泳潜水划船晒太阳看美女顺便讨论人生理想和宇宙哲学，结论是钱真是个好东西同时贱人朋友很重要。
我们划船出海一不小心还遇上了海难，要不是翼哥身体相当强壮和英语发音相当标准及时求救估计现在我们已经上报轰动海内外：仨英俊男子浮尸马国海域。

刚才和老牟潘哲看夜场的电影，Stardust，好看，只可惜我永远都不可能是男主角。。。

I got fucked

I got totally fucked because I booked the premier sea view room at Redang Island for one week stay with my best friends but my visa to Malaysia was rejected today just because my passport is valid less than 6 months!

For me some things are worth to do without counting the cost, this is the one.
Redang is supposed to be fucking beautiful beach and Jiang Yu and Ye Yi are my best friends since many many years ago, it's fucking fun to talk and travel with them but I'm going to miss all of them!

I made calls everywhere and tried to dig out every possible solution but no way in next two weeks at all!

I haven't felt such miserable and regretful for a very long time......

Neither happiness nor misery

Seems I only write blog under three circumstances: bored, depressive and emotional.
Now I'm bored since it's 3am but I still have no intention to sleep at all.

Unconsciously I started thinking a lot again, and I found I'm becoming desperately impassive day by day as I have no specific feeling anymore when recalling past things.
I don't know whether it's good or not, but clearly I bloody hate to be a man without sentiments waiting for death.

Stayed at home for the whole day, sleep, play PS3, read "Treasury Bond Basis", neither happiness nor misery.

爱的宿命

才看完“云水谣”，不痛只是麻木，一个人坐在窗前望着夜半没落的城市不停地思考人生活一辈子有什么意义和什么才最重要。

关于爱，我相信所有的童话故事，相信一见中情，相信坚贞和生死相许，但我也相信这一切都不属于我，我只是孤单地漂泊在这个世界上活在自己的理想和梦境当中，但是我不在乎，即使有机会再来一次我也会选择跟现在一样的生活。

在经历所有的快乐和痛苦之后，现在发现其实值得为之奋斗的目标只有一个：做自己想做的事情不用再畏惧任何人任何事。

突然想到读高中时候特别喜欢的一首诗，特别震撼：

我欲与君相知
长命无绝衰。
山无陵,
江水为竭,
冬雷阵阵夏雨雪,
天地合,
乃敢与君绝！

千万别给我机会，给我机会就由不得你们了！

在老穆的推荐下花了４天时间每晚睡４小时看完了“奋斗”，我从来都不怎么喜欢国产的电视剧但是不得不说这部拍得真不错。我会一辈子都记住里面的一些话，一辈子都羡慕里面的爱情故事，一辈子坚信友谊万岁。

之后一直在想我到底想要一种什么样的生活，很是迷茫，但又突然觉得我现在的生活就很好：拼命工作，拼命地玩，无牵无挂衣食无忧，而且前途似乎光明，我不介意花掉每个月赚的每一块钱，因为我坚信以后会赚的更多。我只要快乐。

前天又搬家了。
新地方还不错，在新加坡河旁边打开窗对面就是灯火辉煌的城市，而且大得让人寂寞。唯一的遗憾是房子在11楼，不怎么高。
朋友都奇怪为什么我老是搬家，其实我喜欢在过去两年住过的所有地方，但是总是待在同一个的地方多没意思，有种生活叫做流浪。

“我要努力！我要奋斗！”

夜半三点一遍又一遍地听着张惠妹的“如果你也听说”，有点困但不想睡，总觉得今天有些未了的心愿却又想不起到底是什么，于是就这样歪歪斜斜地躺在床上听着歌写着blog静静地想着。

星期五晚上罢工和Wilfred, Yewjinn, Sherman一起吃东西看烟火吃冰激凌看电影然后再吃东西。

星期六公司party，在Tangling Village。关于那个地方我什么都不想说除了真TMD是个好地方。

今天天气不错，大雨过后天阴阴的，凉凉的风卷着树叶到处乱飞。下午3点起床洗澡去公司升级服务器，晚上到老穆家玩魔兽一起吃东西。

明天应该早起，10点。好像要不够睡了。。。

Thursday ---
Just came home and took a bath, lying on bed and writing blog to wait my hair dry.

Seriously I'm fucking sleepy now since kept trading 14 hours without going out office. Naresh packeted spicy seafood pasta for me which is really my favor and I kept drinking water all the time.

Friday ---
Just came home and took a bath, lying on bed and continuing writing blog to wait my hair dry.

Seriously I'm still fucking sleepy since only slept 7 hours yesterday which is far from enough and watched the new The Bourne Ultimatum at Orchard after midnight just now, very good one!

Keep up and smile

It's my meditation day, stayed at home for the whole day, read, slept, read, slept, read, slept......

Finally after midnight I was starving and called Lao Mu to go eat Crab and Lobster at No Signboard Seafood, which reminded me the hard life I had when working there as a part-time waiter two years ago while I was still in school.

"Everyone gets their moment", I believe that. However no one could see or imagine what bloody terrible moments I suffered before. I will remember that period forever and never mention to anyone. Just keep up and smile!

After failed the last exam of CCSP on Wednesday, I started trading German bonds and Euribor again.

Seriously trading is a bloody tough but interesting thing torturing me. I strongly felt that I was fighting with no one but myself, and all my fear, anxiety, pride, indiscipline and greed.

And my sight got worse and worse recently because stared at those screens more than 10 hours everyday...

It's just Monday and after finishing work at midnight Gerard took Nigel, Pojak and me to a club filled with prostitutes from Thailand.

As usual, I felt drunk very soon after some cups of drinks and went home earlier.

Truth be told, some girls there are fucking hot and I never doubt I will start engaging with them one day in future but not now because seems there are still much shame and fear inside me...

Just finished to watch the latest episodes of Entourage through the whole night, nothing to say but fucking good, made me excited.

红尘万丈啊

惊世骇俗的李扬同学前天在qq上给我说这个世界真无聊要不是有女人折磨他他早就活不下去了，我一听就是知道他又被中意已久的女同学无情地拒绝了，并且又听到了他曾经听到过无数次的慰籍：“我们还是做朋友吧”!

我安慰他这又不是第一次了你早就应该习惯了所以不要这么忧伤，他说他忧伤是主要因为左手受伤了，我说你丫别老是用左手还是试试右手吧。。。

About last week

Tuesday, company's anniversary party at Scarlet Hotel.
Surprisingly I saw Farhan doing part-time job there and we ate and drank together which billed on company:) I do fucking miss time we had in school!

Yewjinn, Sherman and Shaun came to my office on Wednesday. We had Sushi for dinner and watched the new Harry Potter movie in Thursday morning. I really like VIVO City.

Friday is CQG party at Kazbar, nothing interesting except the food...

Slept at home for 12 hours on Saturday, bought some new CDs and contact lenses at Parkway, then played Warcraft at Lao Mu's house for the whole evening, just returned home.

I know it's a messed up week. I have decided no matter what happen tomorrow, I will to stay home to read and study the fucking CCSP --- 3 exams are coming next week as I passed 2 of 5 last week.

Regarding Yuyu

Yuyu was my classmate in primary school many many years ago. Now she's in US&A but we still contact on MSN once in a while.

I have to say that both my best buddy and I felt like her at that time but it's just a phase of my retarded infancy passed by very soon.

I also have to say that she was one of the prettiest girls at that time but seems the situation turned around during last decade by some unartificial and biologic reasons ruled by damn God who has the awful power of creation and recreation.

Surely she was fucking pissed when I talked to her about her current outer appearance yesterday even I was trying to be decent and civilized.
Otherwise I have to apologize that I always have the bad habit to enjoy irritating my friends by my honest words and faithful heart...... !_!

Anyhow people deserve truths and I don't give phony compliments :)

After work, drank and ate with those guys at some bars almost everyday this week, but I can never take more than two cups of alcohol...

Watched Transformers two times last weekend, one with Lao Mu and Pan Zhe, another one with Shaun, Sherman, Yewjinn and Wilfred.
I don't think the new movie is so great. The original cartoon made 10 years ago is still the best!

Betting soccer with Shaun recently. I actually have no idea about any of these matchs, but it's enough that Shaun knows.
I just feel when playing games with the people I feel happy with, win or loss is not so important anymore, like I'm still happy even we lost near 800 bucks this week...

I've started looking for a new house, as in Singapore I never stayed at a same place for more than one year, as there has one kind of lives called straying.

Storm is coming

After the talk with Gerard regarding his leaving in the afternoon, I really have no idea what's going to happen in next few months and how it will influence me, the only thing I could see is, storm is coming, for both demolishment and regeneration.

I tell Gerard I have no hard feeling about it even I'm right inside the storm and actually I'm willing to see the upheaval.

Honestly I don't have any plan or prospect right now because nothing except myself is in my control, I just feel sort of excited to see something interesting happen in my life even it comes with pains which won't be more severe than the ones I went through before.

I didn't choose anything, destiny chose me.

I couldn't recall what I have done in last whole week except watching Entourage every night, and I have nothing to say about it except fucking good.

With regards to my work, it's supposed to be going on well, no one gives me presure and no thing pricks my ass, but I just really feel uncomfortable to do things without presures and adventures day by day, it's killing.

Still can't sleep before 6am and wake up before 2pm. It's considered to be decent to watch sunrise before going bed everyday...

Happiness is simple and short

Don't need to think anything, don't need to worry about tomorrow, I'm feeling quite good now since nothing makes me feel bad, lying on bed, writing blog, listening Michael Buble's CD by my dear NE20 and UM2, fucking nice vocality, fucking happy night! Even I know it will vanish pretty soon...

Sunday

Sunday again, slept 12 hours and stayed at home the whole day for the potential possibility of study...

Read a book named "Treasure Bond Basis". I actually have no idea what a fuck it talks about even in the first chapter, but I still keep reading and devoutly praying for god's enlightenment.

Listen Michael Buble new CD which's just bought yesterday.
I strongly believe my voice was as gorgeous as him in my previous life and this's why my singing is unfortunately in an opposite way this life for some equilibrium reason...

Try to play "Legend of Heros 6" one more time, but can't get into it anymore...

Today I had nothing except litchi, eat litchi almost everyday recently. Its wonderful taste always makes me mad and cheerful.

Anyhow it's a fucking boring day to stay home, my unknown future girlfriend will be cryingly sad if she knows that !_!

I thought my speaking English improved during last two years but I found I was totally wrong after listening the sound record of today's meeting.

No doubt I'm feeling ashamed of that fucking crappy and ugly sound I have. And I really appreciate the people who have been bearing with me day by day.

Anyhow, I'm seriously disappointed and ashamed of myself now. There must have a way out.....

I make up my future

I'm never such convinced than this moment that to be a cursed person I have to painfully struggle with my inherent weaknesses and fears all the way till death. I'm feeling such strongly now that I should never stop making up my desperate future which would be dominated by no one except myself.

Nothing happened today, just fell into terrible depression again without reasons, might because of Gerard's leave, might not at all.

I just need to make change and be strong.

Night out...

I'm not feeling like to write now but it's quite bored and void since I just woke up from some bizarre dreams and couldn't fall asleep anymore.

There're plenty of night outs at TMG because of those robust and competent alcoholics who're trying to bring me down.
Whole company went to LIFFE party tonight at Raffle Hotel then extended the function to Post Bar which I didn't follow anymore. Last Friday was Jeffrey's birthday, La Baroque then Orchard Tower.
Actually I feel I'm losing myself but have no way to explain...... Seems everyone is bored naturally that needs stuffs to fill in, love, drinks, study, work, religion, whatever.

Bought new shoes with Lao Mu at weekend, happy.

I can't make them right

It's a fucking bad day, absolutely.

My first love tells me online that she's going to marry. I feel fine. Then she tells me she's going to marry a guy who just meet for two months and he is 9 years older than her and divorced before. Then the only thing I realize all of suddenly is that there're always some mysterious and wizard principles I could not interpret and all.

Truth be told, I have no consideration with my marriage, for me it looks like jail of freedom, funeral of love. Anyhow I have no right or interest to judge it because I'm still a single and lonely pervert.

Lost US$1300 on trading today, feel totally fucked even I don't need to pay it and Gerard doesn't say anything about that. I have to keep thinking where I was wrong.

It's always irritating to myself: I perceive I did something wrong, but I don't know how to make them right even could travel back by a time machine.

3 Years already

I have to make a mark for today: the same day 3 years ago, I arrived Singapore. Everything around me has changed during last 3 years, but I'm still the same, stupid, stubborn, and more snobbish. And I do feel satisfied with current living by laughing at myself or everything :)

Interestingly I had a bizarre dream after having some drinks with Berney, Nigel and Jeffrey at Orchard Tower yesterday: when I wake up from some dreams, I find I'm sleeping at the old house where I lived in 10 years ago, and I lost most of the memory, I keep thinking painfully why and how I'm here until wake up again. The dream of the dream is just as real as everything.

I guess the only comment I want to say right now for last 3 years is --- there are always some beautiful or interesting sparks shining in life that mostly depend on if we could see, ignite or catch them. If we could, we should hold them as treasures. If we couldn't, the only thing can do is smiling and keep them in memory, never forget.

It's done

Gerard called me at 4am to eat at Geylang just now like yesterday I went to 7-11 at 5am to buy bread.

Walked through the nature reserve park by 5 hours last weekend, quit nice. Play Warcraft when bored. Reading a fucking book called "Trading STIR Futures".

Actually I'm feeling absolutely bad the whole night, psychologically, no reason just like every time before.
Sort of start hating blogging now, I won't write anymore in a quite while for whatever reasons.
I'm done.

"The Notebook" !!!

Just finished watching "The Notebook", damned movie! It makes me ashamed in first 20 minutes and makes me nearly cry at the end. I couldn't be thinking it as a movie anyhow, it's a beautiful fable.

What's love?! Perhaps a treasure that everyone pursuing desperately, but most likely just a passional and short phase for most of common people in the real world.
It makes me confusing and sorrowful once thinking about it. I don't fucking know!

I also tell myself I would never be waiting for death or anything in the chilly resthome or hospital when the age is despairingly old - I will end it by myself before everything turns pale and gray.