When I get in a taxi and keep thinking where is my house, the driver tells me "Meyer road". I'm absolutely stunned and ask "how do you know that?". He says "I took you before"... It's how I got home at 1:24am tonight.

Everything goes on quietly as it's ordinary pace recently, no danger, no accident, and I'm still safe.
Sometimes I do feel happy like when hanging out with friends, eating nice foods, watching movies, and when 6 people crowded and slept in a small room at Yewjinn's birthday night. Otherwise, we bought a red bra with our signatures as the brithday gift, took more than one hour to walk home after watching movie in the midnight...
However at most of the time, it's just quiet, everything emerges and disappears without any sense.

Had some food at Laupasha before going home just now, square fish and fried rice. They're actually for two persons but I ate them up by myself because I always have a good appetite and I'm always alone...

Still hazy......

For memory, for all the good things I lost

I feel bloody bad right now. It's my legacy, very hard to explain, which happens periodically.
Don't know what to say, don't know what to do, but seat here quietly, enjoy this suffocating torment, for memory, for all the good things I lost that will never come back......

One hour later ------

All of a sudden, a terrible truth sparks in my mind:

In last one year and four months, I dropped out school and kept working day and night without rest, gained some kind of accomplishment out of my age, however, unconsciously, I slowly fell into a deep hole without fun, without friends, without diverse lives, but just working. I think I'd been caged in a colorless world!

Fuck!!!

I don't know what to do to get rid of this, I know I have no way to fall back, I have to believe that it's the desperate life everyone has to experience, but I do bloody hate it more than anything else!

Suddenly I feel like to have a cry...

I should mention that FOW launched again from last Monday to last Wednesday in Singapore. As same as last year, there're a lot of dinner parties and conferences. As same as last year, no one notices me because I always keep quiet and don't talk to other people too much.
I think I terribly lack that kind of natural inherence of talking. I'm not shy, but really don't know what to say at most of the time.

Watched movie at home in the whole afternoon yesterday and had dinner with Huang, Lao Mu, Cheng Xing, and we went to Kbox.
I have no interest to write down how horrible my sound is again...

Went shopping and eating alone at Bugis today. Crying stupid and sad, isn't it?
Called my parent just now. They're still good --- their lifes have been stuck and concreted that no more changes...
Anyhow, I need an early sleep tonight, hope tomorrow everything is fine.

Where's the Moon?

A.D. 2006 October 7th 2:55am, I'm still alive.

Today, maybe yesterday, is supposed to be Mid-Autumn Day --- Ruijuan reminded me that on MSN in the afternoon and I realized it immediately because there always has a bunch of mooncakes in office recently, of which I eat everyday but never enjoy too much...

Actually I saw a big celebration for Mid-Autumn festivals outside where's not far from my house last week, but I forgot it soon since it doesn't mean anything to me, like any other festivals also don't mean anything to me.
If you're happy, every day is a festival, if not, fuck them off.

Stayed in office till 1am just now, kept trading futures at the fantastic Mid-Autumn day, and lost 300 Euredollars.
It's ok, I shouldn't feel any upset with it. The first rule for a prime trader is to eliminate all the human been emotions. Everyone knows it but no one could make it absolutely...

Just opened the window and intended to see how bright the moon is tonight, but where is it?

Today's weather is rare --- cold, gloomy, moist and the wind blowing everywhere. It's wonderful. When I was seating in the second floor of the bus, listening music, looking at that gray sky, I even hoped that the bus could keep going on without stop...

Wild Heart

2:20am, still in office, all other people have left except me... because I'm still trading, Schatz against Bobl.
It's my second day to trade in real money, not too bad at all :)

Trading is an interesting thing, because sometimes it's as if I not trade with other people, but trade with myself. I have to be damn disciplined and control myself seriously more than doing anything else.

Today saw some old women and men dancing inside LauPasa again, that kind of quite bizarre dance that never let me enjoy. And the only words I could say is everyone has a wild heart, which is always veiled and trapped by some awful dogma and tradition.

God's dice!

Listening music and surfing Internet right now. Bought 3 CDs yesterday, all of them are gorgeous. And I have to review last week's emails later on tonight for next week's work. It's tough but something just have no choice.

Woke up 12:00 in this morning, swimming, bath, then said goodbye to the place at where I was living last whole year. There was a pretty Malay girl seating beside swimming pool. I also said goodbye to her, in mind, always :)
Went to Bugis to meet Wilfred, Sherman, YewJinn, ZC, Jielin after settling down the new residence. We're still fine and funny, hanging out till 11pm.

When lying on my new bed, I feel I admire the "God's dice" more and more --- a short piece of hazy conversation could start a remarkable relationship, a momentary event could change people's whole life. However no one will know when the opportunity comes and what the prospect it leads to.
For example, the 5 minutes meeting with Gerard in Challenger at last May caused me to leave school earlier than anyone's imagination. And I don't think I'm an odd monster but I'm still single, and so on...

Burning Music

Went to Adelphi building in the afternoon, saw Wilson again after 4 months. Seems he's always there, smiling and keeping open doors to everyone interested in his Hi-Fi headphone shop.
He asks me to try whatever I like, including the splendid AKG K1000.

Actually I have been thinking to buy a new CD player, Linn Classik, for sometime. The problem is, it's fucking expensive and I have to struggle with myself again and again....
In music game, the rule seems to be obvious --- If you want to get better sound, you have to burn something, like money......
And the thing really makes me upset is, the price of Linn Classik raised 30% this month!

Now, I'm seating in my room, lonely in the whole house. All friends had moved out yesterday.
I'm also supposed to move to the new place today, but I didn't just because I'm curious to know the feeling staying in the big house alone --- nothing special, as same as usual, boring and lonely.

Every stuff has a story

6:03am, 23th Sep, 2006.
Just spent the whole night to tidy up all my stuffs, for today's movement.

I sort of enjoy this feeling, taking out and cleaning up all my things slowly in the silent deep night, concurrently, every tale behind these things rise in my mind. Suddenly I remembered many things of which I would have forgotten. Those pictures, those feelings, but I have no courage to depict them anymore......

I used to throw away as many things as I can when moving house everytime because I really don't like to keep any trashy stuff or have any encumbrance in journey, so did this time. I chucked all the Linux CDs which enlightened my life, the electronical dictionary which once was my English Bible, and a lot of dated clothes.

The dawn's coming, sleepy, I have to have a short sleep now.

Who care?

Finally, I found a new place to stay, a single room in a 3+1 house.
The room is not too bad though I don't like those wooden furnitures too much, 10th floor, a whole glass wall opening a far and wide view without any obstruction, which is the primary feature I look for. And it's near ECP, not far from Raffles.

Actually I always think to have an own small house with two rooms on the top of a high building. It's neat and refined, decorated by polished steel, bright glass wall, colorful carpet and warm blanket, simple and shining without any extra stuffs.
Every time when I imagine the picture, that feeling kills me.
Unfortunately, it's just a impractical dream......

Otherwise, no one knows why I insist to leave my friends and find the house by myself and stay with some people who I didn't know before.
Because I feel bored, it's really boring to live with the same people all the way. Sometimes I just want to open an opporunity to explore a different period of adventurous life. Perhaps it's tough and I'm troubling myself, who care?

Now is 3:40am, I'm going to start writing blog.
. . . . . .
10 minutes later, after staring at the screen and thinking blankly, it's finished.

It's a play

Life doesn't like any fabulous moives starting with a adventurous story and ending with a happy result. It's always silent in void, endless in darkness, scenes keep emerging and repeating without stop, you even can't choose to surrender or to die --- It's a play, a infinite play going on under the bless of the damn God.

Some time ago, I pursued the enlightenment of saints and the truth of the world, but finally I realized doing those things is as silly as learning HyperMath by dog's brain.
I'm a human, the only thing I could understand is just trying to enjoy every day's mortal living. That's all.

Truth be told, I have been feeling sort of tired with the IT job though it's the only shining part of my life right now.
I will never leave IT and I also won't embrace IT to the end of the century. The world could be breathlessly boring without new adventures.

So the next is Futures Trading.
The fair becomes more and more interesting recently. I have to admit the gorgeous current situation and I always wish to do some great things.
It's not necessary conceal the natural ambition :)

However, two hell things still haunting me a lot: depression and fear.

English Return

Play needs to go on......

灰暗的灯光中发现镜子里面那张沮丧的脸又胖了不少。。。

我无意一次又一次地述说自己与身俱来的沮丧心情，更无意炫耀，只是不想让一切无声无息的湮没在黑暗中，好像什么都没有发生过一样。我是一个懦弱无能,索然无趣的人！
感觉自己站在IT的山峰上，才看清IT原来是如此的黯然无光，没有前途，却又无路可退。
我不曾埋怨任何人，也不曾后悔，如果一定要一个解释，只会是我不愿相信的命运。

真是可怜，连明天该去哪里，该做什么都不知道。。。

现在是4：31am，9月1号。这是个让人憎恨的日子，因为暑假结束了 --- 如果我还在中国，还在学校。

今天不知道怎么了，没什么事情，有点点困，但就不愿意睡觉。

这两天都下雨，在我出门之前开始下，而且很大，想是老天故意要配合我的心情。

发现自己blog变得越来越肤浅，总是一些琐碎杂事。或许应该开始写一些有内涵的东西，比如家仇国恨，生死离别。但要我这样肤浅的人写深奥的故事和道理，真是个困难。

还是睡觉吧，不知道今晚又会梦到什么。梦到什么都不重要，反正每次醒来只剩遗忘。。。

坐在出租车上冷得要死，因为站在雨里面打车，全身都湿，中午出门的时候外面下着大雨。还好我身体好。

这个两天心情都不怎么好，有点失落。感觉自己只是一个无关紧要的小角色，没有人在乎。希望能做一些伟大的事情，但是没有伟大的天赋。老人们总是在说天赋不重要努力才最重要，那都是骗人的谎话。
有些目标可以梦想，但却永远不会实现。再说现在我连自己到底想要什么都不知道。

终于开始学习使用TT的auto-spreader，交易bund和bobl。其实还是对期货还是一点兴趣都没有，只是觉得自己必须必须学习。

不写了，越写越无聊。。。

我想去冒险。。。

4：00pm

这两天都在看"海贼王"的剧场版，每天看到天亮了才睡觉，很好看，以至于现在走在街上看到高速移动的物体都有冲上去一脚踢飞的冲动。
华丽的画面，搞笑的人物，让人兴奋的情节，不得不佩服小日本在动画上惊人的想象力和创造力。
为什么我不可以创造自己的冒险世界，老天真是残忍。

下个月底就要搬家了，现在一点着落都没有。
不想再跟认识的住一起，一个人住也好。一是因为我认识的中国人很少，两只手就可以数完。二是因为感觉那样会很无聊。
他们问我想住什么样的房子，想了半天还是觉得住高楼比较好，可以看远吹风。
说来说去都是钱的问题。我并不想承认：钱真是个好东西！

2:40am

才看完两部好电影，"疯狂的石头"和"something's gotta give"，还想看第二遍。。。看完突然有个伟大决定：从明天开始，我要重新学习英语，每天再也不要睡十小时。

世界很大，我很小

这个世界很大，我很小，而且我很胆小

每个人都有恐惧，尤其是我，让我无法呼吸，无处可逃

本来有很多话要说，现在什么都不想说，好累

生命是如此让人绝望~~~

游戏 = 生命

突然觉得有很多话要说，又不知道从哪里开始，这两天都是有趣的事情。

刚才无意间看到一个SB的blog，名字是"像天使一样飞翔"，其实就是讲他坐飞机从起飞到降落的过程，中间夹杂波音777客机的驾驶速成以及空气动力学原理，800个字右左，结构严谨条理清晰，一看就知道是在中国上高中的时候写作文写傻了！

瑶和龙兄我都不认识，刚才看他们在狮城论坛上吵架，笑了半天。其实没有谁对谁错，只是两个时代的人对同一事物不同的理解，简称代沟。当一个人想去填平代沟的时候就像想去填平全世界的阴沟一样愚蠢，比如龙兄。
我从来没有兴趣参与别人的纷争，但今天例外，没有特别的原因，只因为现在有点无聊，觉得搞笑，哈哈。

昨晚在黄家又看了一遍"大内密探零零发"，从头笑到尾。虽然已经看过好几遍，但每次看都有新的认识和发现，唯一的解释就是：周星驰的老电影太TMD的经典了！
走得时候借了两本钱上个月从中国带回来的"大众软件"，钩起了好多回忆。。。。。。

游戏。
只有游戏可以实现我们天马行空的幻想，比如王子救公主，超人保护宇宙，一个人一把剑一匹马杀一千个人。我曾经是如此沉溺于体会这种在现实中无法实现的奇异生活和感受。。。
看着"大众软件"里面已经发行和将要发行的各种新游戏，好想玩，感觉好失落。

游戏是生命，生命就是游戏！

昨天又吐了。
晚上8：30和Gerard, Naresh, Lee Peng, Choo Chye, Henky去意大利餐馆吃饭, cheese pizza, pasta, Lamb chop, tiramisu cake。
11：00pm回公司测试第二条CME连接。12点半去喝酒，只喝了两杯，回家就吐了。。。

我们真是伟大。这个星期终于完成5个月前的计划，建立了3个期货交易系统：TT, PATS, RTS; 连接到全球的7个交易所：CME, CBOT, LIFFE, EUREX, SGX, TAIFEX, TOCOM。而且，我仍然是IT Head。

有时候感觉很骄傲，但不想让别人看出来，因为我知道骄傲是不对的 --- 其实我并不高兴，也没有伤心，只是时不时的感到沮丧。

Four sad guys

前天在Sherman的MSN头像上看到这张他和Yewjinn，zhengchuan一起走出学校的照片，感觉不对，问他发生什么了事情，他说："3 sad person, cos our fyp is dead"。居然还有这种事情发生，我一听就很高兴。

之后又觉得有点伤心，要是当时我跟他们并肩走在一起那该多好。。。可惜我已经离开，连fail fyp的机会都没有了。。。

这个周末一定要叫他们出来，表示庆祝。

优美的语法

我没有看别人的博客的习惯，即使有看，也只是为了了解最近网上的热门话题，寻找搞笑好玩的东西。而且我只看偶像们的博客，比如韩寒，老罗，芙蓉姐姐。最近发现和菜头，也贼搞笑：

"口水白白流淌，板砖为谁乱放？这样美丽而忧伤的胖子，腿毛飘飘，站在上岗上" --- 和菜头

华丽！生动！无可挑剔！

我也会失眠

现在6：28am，我居然也会失眠。
昨天晚上去Kasbar吃东西，喝酒。两杯Shangrila，回家又吐了，每次都这样。。。Naresh总是叫我学着喝酒，但有些事情真的是天生的，比如长相。

天就快亮了，突然不知道今天该做什么，该去哪里。要是太阳永远都不出来那该多好。。。

--- 10:25pm
才跑步回来。今天果然哪里都没有去，在家待了一天。

下午看了Stephen Jobs在Apple上个星期举行的年度开发大会上的录像，又发现了Google新推出的“Google Video”，心想科技进步真TMD快 。
我曾经希望自己站在科技的前端，现在只希望不要被抛在后面，还有明天春天Mac OS X Leopard发行的时候自己不会太穷。。。

刚才看见一个小男孩坐楼下的游泳池边悠闲地吹着泡泡，真是幸福~~~

---3:42am
才和潘喆干完无数局Warcraft 3，手好酸。
睡觉！

中午12点迷迷糊糊的醒来，想去游泳，一看外面没有太阳，倒在床上又睡。1点起床，洗澡，喝了杯冷牛奶，上班。
现在每天在公司待12-13个小时，睡9-10个小时，剩下的时间都在出租车上。。。

昨天好像是新加坡国庆，记得去年这个时候还可以站在落地窗边看烟火，又是一年。

昨天晚上回家看见2只小小强在我的牙刷上面爬来爬去，还不时地抬头看看我，露出很愉快的表情。我叹了口气，把灯上，回房睡觉了。
一天都没刷牙，刚才才去7-11买了把新牙刷，以后一定要把它藏好。

Australia

上午10点过痛苦地起床，陪钱和老鹰去澳洲大学的招聘会。第一次去这种地方，看着里面各种大学漂亮的招生手册，突然觉得好失落。。。

现在静静地听着晚上在Orchard买的CD，吃着黑巧克力，一片接着一片，无所事事。

前两天才加入了狮城交友会的qq群，里面的人疯狂刷屏，一点技术含量都没有，好无趣，而且里面的人我一个都不认识，连话都插不上。。。

失败感觉好难受！

现在很晚了，可是还不是很想睡。玩了一晚上的Warcraft 3，神经太兴奋了。
输了一晚上，很丢脸。不想说自己以前有多厉害，事实证明现在的我反应迟钝，战术低下。都是因为太久没有玩，应该有一年多了吧。

突然有重新训练的想法，但现在哪有原来在学校里面那么多醉生梦死的空余时间。。。但这毕竟是我曾经耗费了数不清的日日夜夜，得到不少虚伪的荣誉的游戏。看着自己现在这样的下三烂水平，真是有心有不甘。。。

失败感觉好难受！:(

幸运儿

一个星期好像又要过去了，什么事情都没发生，让人伤心。

大部分人都不喜欢平淡无趣的生活，但残酷的现实让他们无能为力地挣扎，慢慢也就习惯麻木，遗忘了过去的激情和梦想。

我很幸运，至少我还有自由，迟来的自由，让我仍然想着飞翔~~~

上个拜六黄辉过生日，去东海岸吃马来菜，味道很不错，然后在岸边迎风点蜡烛，好不容易才把两根大的点燃。
我已经忘记上次庆祝自己的生日是什么时候了。。。明明是老了一岁，应该伤心才对，为什么大家都要庆祝？

昨天突然认识到最近一直在做一件很愚蠢的事，每天习惯性地一次次打开狮城论坛的网页，看着一群永远都不会认识的人的帖子。我真是愚蠢。。。。。。