Vitas! Vitas!

Vitas! It was amazing me after listening his song yesterday by accident though I couldn't understand Russian at all.
Went throught the whole Orchard road in the afternoon but coundn't find his CD anyhow, bloody depressed.

Opera #2 [3:15]
My house is finished building
But I'm alone inside of it.
The door slammed behind my back
An autumn wind knocks on my window
Cries over me again.
Storm at night
Fog at the morning
The sun completely got cold.
Long-standing aches are coming by their turn
Let them gather together.
It's my fate, and I can't ask my fate for anything
I know only that after my death
Winds are going to wail.

Time is the killer, everything.

Got a cake just now. There is a nice cake house near SGX that I have been used to having a cheese cake everyday for breakfast. Luckily, there has no trend that I would be a fat guy.

Kind Naresh bought some pizza and a birthday cake yesterday to celebrate my past birthday and Foochye's coming birthday.
He presented me Hugo-Boss wallet. It's nice, but I even don't have enough money or cards to fill up it and all. Additionally, It seems like wallet is always an excrescent thing in my pocket.
I realized I was supposed to prepare some Christmas gifts for them, but it's too late.

Bought a book and a Guess jean yesterday evening because didn't want to go home too early.
“A brief history of time”, the best science book I ever read. I practically read the chinese version two times couple years ago.

Time always runs out so fast. Usually feel nothing happens or has been done, one day would have gone.

The days

2005 Christams day has gone.

I remember I made a promise for myself at last year's Christmas night, and I also remember impressively how void, how despairing and how dark it was at that terrible time.
However, this year, I indeed don't know whether I achieved that promise. Everything around me has changed, I am still the same.
I wouldn't like to depict how terrific mood I take anymore even once or how regretful I am. The only thing I want to say is, I am a fucking moron and all.

Game accompanys with me on Christmas. I was playing World Of Warcraft all throught these three days without day and night.
I used to laugh at Pan Zhe and Dejia that they are crazy to play this game everyday. Practically I am much more crazy than them once start.
The thing made me sort of happy was, JY and YY were playing game together with me on these nights - they are my fucking buddies in China. But, there is a bit of difference - they are hurt by too many loves.

Otherwise, it's really difficult for me to choose a word to admire World Of Warcraft. It seems like none of the words is intense enough.
Maybe it's because I don't have a terrific vocabulary to praise something - I think I should read some Christian books and all.

Today is my birthday, but I didn't tell anybody.
One reason is I perceive I have been very old and have no courage to face it. And another reason is, there is on one I feel like to celebrate with at all.

Sometimes I really imagine, if I have a choice, I will choose never borned before.

World of Warcraft, Jesus, fucking Christmas

Arriving office at 9:30am, leaving after 4:00pm, and doing whatever you would like to do during those hours. Is there any more comfortable work than this? However, It's totally not the career I want.
There are supposed to be many things for me learn by using current time, but I am just not in the mood. It seems like I have lost the objective to direct myself.
I am waiting, waiting for the revival and start everything from scratch.

Started playing World Of Warcraft yesterday till 5 am.
It's the most splendid online game I ever saw. The landscape, the scenario, the sense, all the things inside the fantastic world move me.
Otherwise, it's glad to play game again with those old friends in China.

When I was in the cab yesterday, the driver gave me a Christiany brochure kindly. I read several pages which are full of gorgeous and phony words on the way and near puked.
Anyhow, I said many thinks with phony smile to the kind driver when I got off the cab -- I always pretend to be a gentman to strangers, and threw the goddamn brochure away as soon as I found a trash can.
Practically I am not an atheist, I just don't understand why the Gods are always even more phony than me.
For intance, Jesus says he will save the people who believe and pray him, but if I am a god, I will say I will save all the good people no matter they believe me or not. At this point, I am sort of more merciful than Jusus, and all.

There were also many church celebration adverts on the brochure's back page. All of a sudden, I noticed that, the fucking Christmas day was coming. That killed me.

New Glasses!

Just arrived GETC and trying to find something to do.
Originally I intended to write blog yesterday, but kept watching TV the whole night though I don't like it at all, just because sometimes it's hard to stop once start.

When I woke up in Sunday morning, felt sort of tiredness to go anywhere and decided to stay at home. However, bore and void came soon which would kill me.
I fell into terrible mood in the whole day that even every face depressed me when I was walking on the street for dinner.
I think I do have some serious psychic sickness.

Saturday.
Collected the glasses I bought a few day ago at City Hall before went to Border for books and met Farhan at Orchard for movies.
There are incredible numbers of people filling in anywhere and the fucking queue outside the theaters is terrific making Farhan and me feel despairing.
Had dinner with Huang Hui and Qian at Geylang beside the red-light district.
It's a corny restaurant opened by chinese, but you could hardly find any other place which has more original chinese food than its.
It was a bit embarrassing for me, because both Huang and Qian brought their dates and I had to talk with myself sometimes... Anyhow, it was a nice dinner and all.
Afterward, went to Tampines theater but no ticket once more. Played Warcraft with Huang later.

Really like my dear new Hugo-Boss black plastic glasses. I was looking for it for a long time!

Night of MOS

Just came back from Ministry Of Sound and took a bath. It's a stupid night.
I figured on going to this new british club with Farhan and his friends, but we even couldn't enter it at all because there were too many terrific enthusiasts queuing and crowding outside in the whole night.
Frankly, I never saw such a long queue before even in China - people in China never queue politely. And I also never saw so many wonderful Ferraris appearing at a same place.
Otherwise, the only thing which is sort of joyful in the boring queuing is watching beautiful girls moving around with nice figure and dress, and all.

Finally, after about three hours' queuing we were getting to the front of the gateway, but all of a sudden, I decided quit.
I was just feeling I'd already had no mood to enjoy the gorgeous club anymore. Roughly to say, is there anything worse than losing all the passion after a long time waiting and expecting? It depressed me as hell.
Bought a coke-light at sellm-achine and walked a long way to get a cab at the deep night.

Smoked a lot today though I never like it at all.

3:06 am

What should I write down at this moment? I am sort of hesitating.

It's hard to believe how sleepy I am. Slept 10 hours yesterday but still sleepy at daytime. Perhaps it's because there is nothing to do except reading and walking around.
Went bed as soon as got home at 7pm, up at 12pm and had some drink and apple.
Practically I figured on going swimming in the evening. Maybe tomorrow.

Had some nice Crabs with Gerard, Li Peng, Jarya and Foochye yesterday. I really like it as hell.

Foochye is a typical conceited fucker though he is no bad at working, but only nontechnical work.
I wouldn't like to take it in details beause it let me feel noisy and all, especially the part he insults Gerard behind.

Took some pictures today.
First one is my desk with Windows, Solaris and Linux system connecting to internet and servers to deal with all kinds of stuff.
The Second is the main board of the trading center. Most of the plasma screens which were displaying the market informations from Bloomberg have been shut down. Dismal views.

I don't know I should cry or laugh

Got reading when arrived GETC at 9:30 in the morning.
"The catcher in the rye".
Started reading the english version one year ago but didn't finish it at that time. Therefore, I'd decided to restart from the beginning last week.

It's idle in recently because there is no trader in this place anymore, only us. Howevr, it's not easy for Gerard.
He is contacting with some brilliant companies regarding the proprietary trading he would like to do though we are still under the employment of Man Financial.
The hell killing me is my spoken English is still fucking awful that couldn't help on it a bit.

Went to school in the afternoon to borrow some book.
It's surprise that there are still many students in school in holiday and every face is familiar.
RP is small but you could nerver meet the one you want, hehe.

Left work at 5:30. It makes me goddamn uncomfortable to go home such early. I hate this feeling that don't know where to go at all.
I was wandering in shopmall about one hour like a homeless hyena.
Shopping is indeed a amusing thing to treat time and I would like to do it once I feel lonesome. Besides, I am a hell spendthrift recently.

Chris'd sent me the email regarding the documentations of TT. I really wonder understanding "the best trading platform in the world".
Those documentations are tremendous and I got a big job and all.

Beautiful raining day

It's was raining in the afternoon. What a wonderful picture outside of the window! Therefore, I decided to go out.
Running in the dense raindrops to MRT. Fast running made me breathless - I had been lacking exercise for too long time and all. It also made me sort of excited and I certainly like this feeling.

I become more and more psychic in recently because the change in my mind is subtile after striking up a gorgeous career. It makes me sort of brilliant and promising but I feel more and more lonesome and all.
I have to leave school, apart from those nice friends and being a distinct guy from their sight. All the things depress me.
Otherwise, I am sort of self-proud sometimes. I assume I would be a millionaire in future and I hope it's not my stupid illusion and all.
No one knows all these fucking things and no one cares about it at all. It kills me.

Practically I still don't feel very good today because of the goddamn sick of stomach.
Had a fish soup and a piece of cheese cake for dinner, cheerful.

Sick

I am sick, the most serious one in Singapore
Went to toilet many times and even threw up yesterday night.
It's bloody painful, frozen and helpless. I even couldn't move any more. I thought I was going to die at that time.
Amazingly, it's much better when I wake up in this morning, but still weak and uncomfortable.
The feeling of sick is indeed horrible, hate it.

Went to SuSe linux meetup yesterday and saw Anto again.
She is the most sociable lady I ever saw and it's really interesting to talk with her.
However, it seems like she has forgotten she still owes me one day salary for the work at Challenger long long time ago.

Hazy

No one is in trading center today except 5 of us. REFCO has gone for ever.

It's such coincident.
Last friday is the last trading day and it's also the last day before RP's holiday.
I said, it was always bloody gloomy for me at every last day in RP. It's also not a good day this time though I am not in school anymore.
Still cannot get rid of......

MAN financial has given me a new contract. It looks like nice but I indeed do not feel any delight about it.
What I am concerned now is how we start from scratch.
Definitely, we have lost the superior support from London, when we stand up again next time, I must be the one.

However, have to admit I'm really a lazy guy.
Lied on bed on last Saturday and Sunday, watching "NARUTO" from 1 to 70 for the two whole days without stop! Besides a short swimming at downstair.
Japan's cartoons are fucking brilliant though it's a nasty country, wonderful picture, wonderful scenario, wonderful sense.
Contrastively, China's cartoons are produced only for brains disabled people.

Really hazy now. Where I will stand tomorrow...

Completist

I always dislike and look down upon those people who are hesitating and irresolute to make decision. Nevertheless, I am just that kind of person and seems like it becomes more and more serious.
This is the reason I do hate myself.

Planed to buy a new handphone a long time ago, but have not bought until now. I have already been hesitant for several months!
Some people halting just because of the fear and cares, but they are not the reason for me.
Money is already not the main consideration. The problem is there isn't a perfect one I like extremely.
I think I am a completist pursuing perfect things in the world, unfortunately, the world is always fragmentary and unideal driving me into distress. And this is the fucking inherent character which is the hardest thing for me to change.

Anyhow, I will go to solve this tomorrow.

The only thing I can do is laughing at myself, then make a windy blessing.

I am extremely emotional right now and the jealousness is full of my mind, only because of the reading of the blog which belongs to the girl I like for a long long time whereas no one knows.
She is such bright, colorful and unaffected. Her blog is filled with happyness and the prime heart with her boyfriend.
Look my blog, like a dead sea scroll recording how I fall and how I perish day by day full of darkness and chaos. I feel deep ashamed and be irritated about myself, fuck.

Nothing more to write. There is no word in the world could present what the fucking feeling I have now, and everything becomes worse and worse, ruining me slowly.
Anyhow, sincerely hope she could be the most brilliant girl in the world, god bless her richly with me.

Wonder children are always unhappy!

Ate two breads, one black pepper chickren rice at Tampines mall after working and took one piece of cheese cake home.
Actually I intended to buy some clothes, but didn't see any nice one.
Eating is really a pleasing thing, it lets me feel the world is significant......

Go home early at 8pm everyday from last week.
That feeling and ambience in GETC are indeed bad, because we are absolutely the best but we are falling down with enemy's conviviality.

Today suddenly sensed that, perhaps what I would lose in this disaster is not job or money, it's the opportunity to keep learning from Chris about the IT management.
He does open the window of the world for us and bring us to the top of global electronic trading, but London and Singapore have broken into pieces.

Stayed at Shaun's home yesterday and went to school in the morning.
We ordered pizza from Pizza Hut, but it was not as nice as normal. Watched some silly TV shows into deep night......
Shaun lives in happiness, and obviously, I do not. Saw a words a few days ago: wonder children are always unhappy. It presents me so well, haha.