New year

Only ate some fruit and biscuit whole day in office and had a cup of drink with them after finishing working at mid night, then went home with cupnoodles and two big cups of icecream...
Seems no body feels like to have supper with me tonight, crying sad.

It's relaxed recently. I was watching "Little Britain" whole day in office. It's also a crazy comic show.

I feel sort of uncomfortable that everyone says "happy new year" to me. I couldn't find any reason for me to be happy just because of the damned new year...

Sacrifice?

I'm feeling bloody depressed now... Nothing specially happened, I just felt totally stuck all of suddenly...

Toughness, Tolerance, Sacrifice. I always believe they're the three elements bonding in my life. Actually I never intended to sacrifice anything. It just makes me feel better to think in that way for whatever I lost before, but it's still killing me day by day...

Finally watched Borat's new movie. I have no specific comment except crazy shit, that I like.

------ 2:20am

Just finished the last cup of cupnoodle. I'm going to have an early sleep today...

Sad to be older

26th, yesterday, is supposed to be my birthday, but I intend to see no one particularly.

Woke up at 3pm. Went to office and spent two hours there thinking and planning what to do in next two weeks. Then went to Fu Nan IT Mall to buy some PC games, but only bought one movie: 2046, a fabulous movie I watched once before.

I didn't mention to anyone with regard to my birthday, but a few people still remembered it.....
It's always bloody sad to be older and older.

Every day has mass good foods recently. I really need more exercises...

Year by Year......

Now is raining season that rained two times this week. The first time lasts 3 days, the second time lasts 4 days.

Tonight is supposed to be Christmas night. I started sleeping in the evening after fullfilling my stomach, wondering if I could find a surprise in socks when waking up...
It's a delightful thing to sleep in such raining night with music and white blanket, since I have used to be lonely and silent.
I not feel upset or disturbed anymore.....

Unfortunately, Lao Mu's call woke me up before midnight.
I actually didn't plan to go out with anybody tonight before he rang me second time. Then I went out and played WarCraft 3 with them for the whole night, sadly...

Had a nice dinner with Gerard, Naresh and Leepeng in Scarlet Hotel's Breeze Bar. I'm still feeling sort of dizzy right now because of one glass of Champagne and two cups of Cranberry Vodka --- I'm never good at drinking

Wind's blowing like crazy tonight. I close light and open all windows.

Passed all 4 CCNP exams in 10 days, truth be told, I have no specical feeling with the success.
Things're always funny: when they're far aways, we consider they're mysterious and admirable, but when we have already approached them, we realize it's just like that, not a big deal.

I have no idea what to do every night again. Watched the whole season 2 of Prison Break by one night yesterday.
Now I totally understand why Naresh and Leepeng always like drinking so much. It's just because of boreness. Everyone's trying to find something to do to treat the dreadfully boring life...

Raining Night......

Suddenly remember a lof of things happened before, bloody depressing...

Rain is heavy outside,

Sky is crying,

Again and again............

Sunday...
Beautifully, it keeps raining for the whole day, off and on.

I seat on bed from 3pm to 10pm, listen musc, sleep, and read for the last exam of CCNP. Besides music, it's fucking boring.

Then went out with soccer shoes, ran to Lao Mu's house by 40 minutes, had a cheerful dinner with them at an authentic China restaurant. Got home at 1:30am.

Saturday...

Saw Farhan, Shida and a lot people who I didn't see for a long long time. I always like them.

It was Shida's brithday. We gathered in Scarlet Hotel, which is a small but admirable place.
Celebration, cheers, talking, ice cake, wine, vodka. I have to say it's one of the most lovely birthday parties I will remember forever.
After mid night, they went to Zouk and I left first again...

Otherwise, Gerard told me they drank a lot and got fucking lashed after my leaving on Friday's company party. The best part is, he found an unknown girl sleeping beside him when waking up next day...

Christmas Party

Just woke up, slept 15 hours, still sleepy.

Yesterday is company's Christmas party, at IndoChine beside Singapore river. I was most drunk and left early without noticing them and slept as soon as got home.

Passed those 3 CCNP exams last week.
I finished every one in its half duration and I was feeling deep shamed after the last one because they're such modular, I filled most of questions just by looking at their optional answers without thinking and understanding. It likes a testing of memory at all. Otherwise I have no way to pass in such short term.

Talked to Jiang Yu online yesterday.
He keeps asking me to go back Chengdu and will introduce girls to me.
I'm really keen to hang out with him like before but really don't know the return time due to some complicated reasons...
Actually we'd been best friends since high school, but the only common point we share is, both of us have no idea what english is after studying it in school for 10 years...

Nothing too much to do this weekend but keep reading for next week's exams. Have read through 300 papes resources and still have 100 papes for tonight.

Just had some food outside, bought some banana, dried mango, milk, and a big cup of strawberry Hagen-Daz. Hope sugar is helpful for thinking.
Also cut my hair just now, under the hands of a pretty girl, nice cutting......

A failed day

It's a failed day, failed the first CCNP exam in the morning and lost US$6000 in simulation trading at night though keep trading Bund, Bobl, Bund, Buxl, Euribor more than 6 hours everyday.

Actually I don't feel like trading too much but it's the way I'm supposed to go with and It's hard to stop once having got into the market.

I'm serious with the CCNP exam, the reason caused today's failure is because I slept too much everyday and it was a bit unlucky.
Anyhow three of four exams are coming next week which were asked by me. I was trying to push myself into madness......

Too much sleep, too many dreams

Sleep more than 10 hours everyday recently and dream a lot. I always have a lot of dreams, most of them are bizarre.

The best one is flying: I did dream several times that I could fly in sky freely like a superman, that feeling was bloody truth but no thing left when I woke up...

Yesterday I dreamed a time machine! The whole story was barpque that I couldn't remember clearly: I used that time machine to travel back to change what happened before but failled at first two times, the third time, I successed but been caged by policeman in a building, when I was thinking how to escape, I woke up.

Another good dream is all my funny classmates from primary school to university gathered in one class! Then the class became fucking crazy and hot out of imagination. I couldn't stop laughing and the dream was disturbed by my giggle...

Music is always pleasing, especially after bath on bed at deep night. I didn't Sammi's songs before, but it's nice to listen after many years.

Have to say I'm a bloody lazy guy. I'd not do anything if there has no one to kick my ass. Like tonight, I'm going to take CCNP exam next week but I totally don't feel like to study at all. Sloth will kill me sooner or later...

Nothing too much to write. Every day just sleep, eat, and work. I try to smile in front of mirror, but it's crying...

Everyone is equal and innocent

4:05am, the reason why I'm writing at this moment is because Gerard taught a new word today: sentimental. He tells me he is sentimental, but I forget to tell him: me too....
All of suddenly, I notice I trend to forget many things happened before day by day, gradually and silently.
I don't feel like to forget, but I can't stop it at all. The only thing to do is keeping writing this desolate blog. I don't care no one reads it at all, I just want to record what did happen in my life, what did delight me, and what did hurt me......

Slept at 9am last Saturday because of watching "Prison Break", woke up in the evening and went to book store for some new Cisco books. Then went to Lao Mu, De Jia, Pan Zhe's house, watching they play WOW and having steamboat with them at mid night.
Sunday, watching "Prison Break" till morning again. Met Gerard in office and got that new switch done. Afterward, had dinner with his new "girl friend" who I don't know how to talk about... Only thing I could say is everyone is equal and innocent in the world, but fucking living is destroying them.

Otherwise, I passed CCNA last week after reading for two whole nights. Hope could get CCNP done in next month. It's really an annoying project...

Death Note

I spend more than 10 hours on job everyday, it's not bad, but I really don't feel like to write about it...

Watching "Death Note" till 8am in the morning yesterday. I downloaded the whole cartoon book, 108 chapters, and finished them by two whole nights.
Anyhow it's a brilliant cartoon and all, I couldn't stop thinking about the oppressive death game between L and N even after finishing it.
Seems like a fatal failure is accumulated by many small mistakes of which we never notice, and it's triggered by a small mistake for which we regret. It's always stupidly like that...

Friday night

3:08am, the sound of water drop and the smell of damp blow reminded me it's raining outside now. I still could see far away from my windows as lights of city are illuminating the dark sky. What a peaceful night...

I don't know why I like Borat so much since watched his videos few days ago. Perhaps because he's a crazy shit and the world needs some crazy shits otherwise it will be damned boring like me.
Terribly regretful that his movie released on 2th this month but I couldn't get it from anywhere.

Now, I'm not tired at all, but I'm going to sleep...

Borat! Borat!

1:17am, lie on my white bed again. Don't have too much thing to do, surf Internet, look for new albums, download and listen songs.

Found a super video star: Borat! Watching his videos the whole night yesterday --- Yes! It's nice! Why not!
Actually I couldn't stop myself remember and wirting his words down. Here is the best part:

A: so do you miss your family?

Borat: I miss my old wife, particularly she is dead now

A: tell me about her, you married with her?

Borat: She was boring. When I buy her, from her father by 50 bulks, she was nice, she cooked good, she was good at plough, and her vagina worked well. But then after three years, when she was fifteen, her voice became deep, she received much hair on her chest, and her vagina began to look like the sleeve of wizard. But it's no problem, I had a new wife.

A: so what happened to the first?

Borat: she went out one day, she had much hair on the back, she was confused for a bear and shot by a hunter.

A: that's awful...

Borat: I know, I was upset, there was no boby to plough for two weeks.

"glimpse"

2006, Nov 12th, 3:15pm, Just woke up, kept sleeping for 12 hours and I started writing at this moment because feel damn bored again.

Trying to remember what I did yesterday:

Lay on bed and watched movie in the afternoon. A very good one, "Family Man", played by Nicolas Cage. It didn't impress me by its name at first, but it's really good showing a "glimpse" to see how the missed lives are. It's that kind of story I like...
Ate Ajisen ramen alone in the evening then went to office to finish the upgrade of Eurex gateway.
Met Gerard and other guys from TT at Fullerton Hotel's Post Bar later on, just drink.

However, what I'm going to do today......

Star Wars: Knights of The Old Republic

Sort of busy with playing PC games recent days, Star Wars: Knights of The Old Republic.

It's that kind of RPG game I like and surprisingly it's fucking good surpassing my expectation.
It likes watching movie in the whole process. To talk to all kinds of people, to explore the ancient temple left by aliens, to travell among intergalactic planets which have differently beautiful landscapes, to tremble between Jedi's light and dark forces. I have to say this game is incredible interesting, let me forget other things around.

Don't want to write anymore, I need to continue the adventure :)


--- 2:46am

Just came back home, had some crab with Gerard and his mother at Shanghai Song though my stomach feels bad in the whole day because of those dirty but good barbecue foods I had yesterday night, with Lao Mu, De Jia and Chen Xin.

Anyhow, I still don't feel very good and be sleepy now. Maybe it's time to sleep...

When I get in a taxi and keep thinking where is my house, the driver tells me "Meyer road". I'm absolutely stunned and ask "how do you know that?". He says "I took you before"... It's how I got home at 1:24am tonight.

Everything goes on quietly as it's ordinary pace recently, no danger, no accident, and I'm still safe.
Sometimes I do feel happy like when hanging out with friends, eating nice foods, watching movies, and when 6 people crowded and slept in a small room at Yewjinn's birthday night. Otherwise, we bought a red bra with our signatures as the brithday gift, took more than one hour to walk home after watching movie in the midnight...
However at most of the time, it's just quiet, everything emerges and disappears without any sense.

Had some food at Laupasha before going home just now, square fish and fried rice. They're actually for two persons but I ate them up by myself because I always have a good appetite and I'm always alone...

Still hazy......

For memory, for all the good things I lost

I feel bloody bad right now. It's my legacy, very hard to explain, which happens periodically.
Don't know what to say, don't know what to do, but seat here quietly, enjoy this suffocating torment, for memory, for all the good things I lost that will never come back......

One hour later ------

All of a sudden, a terrible truth sparks in my mind:

In last one year and four months, I dropped out school and kept working day and night without rest, gained some kind of accomplishment out of my age, however, unconsciously, I slowly fell into a deep hole without fun, without friends, without diverse lives, but just working. I think I'd been caged in a colorless world!

Fuck!!!

I don't know what to do to get rid of this, I know I have no way to fall back, I have to believe that it's the desperate life everyone has to experience, but I do bloody hate it more than anything else!

Suddenly I feel like to have a cry...

I should mention that FOW launched again from last Monday to last Wednesday in Singapore. As same as last year, there're a lot of dinner parties and conferences. As same as last year, no one notices me because I always keep quiet and don't talk to other people too much.
I think I terribly lack that kind of natural inherence of talking. I'm not shy, but really don't know what to say at most of the time.

Watched movie at home in the whole afternoon yesterday and had dinner with Huang, Lao Mu, Cheng Xing, and we went to Kbox.
I have no interest to write down how horrible my sound is again...

Went shopping and eating alone at Bugis today. Crying stupid and sad, isn't it?
Called my parent just now. They're still good --- their lifes have been stuck and concreted that no more changes...
Anyhow, I need an early sleep tonight, hope tomorrow everything is fine.

Where's the Moon?

A.D. 2006 October 7th 2:55am, I'm still alive.

Today, maybe yesterday, is supposed to be Mid-Autumn Day --- Ruijuan reminded me that on MSN in the afternoon and I realized it immediately because there always has a bunch of mooncakes in office recently, of which I eat everyday but never enjoy too much...

Actually I saw a big celebration for Mid-Autumn festivals outside where's not far from my house last week, but I forgot it soon since it doesn't mean anything to me, like any other festivals also don't mean anything to me.
If you're happy, every day is a festival, if not, fuck them off.

Stayed in office till 1am just now, kept trading futures at the fantastic Mid-Autumn day, and lost 300 Euredollars.
It's ok, I shouldn't feel any upset with it. The first rule for a prime trader is to eliminate all the human been emotions. Everyone knows it but no one could make it absolutely...

Just opened the window and intended to see how bright the moon is tonight, but where is it?

Today's weather is rare --- cold, gloomy, moist and the wind blowing everywhere. It's wonderful. When I was seating in the second floor of the bus, listening music, looking at that gray sky, I even hoped that the bus could keep going on without stop...

Wild Heart

2:20am, still in office, all other people have left except me... because I'm still trading, Schatz against Bobl.
It's my second day to trade in real money, not too bad at all :)

Trading is an interesting thing, because sometimes it's as if I not trade with other people, but trade with myself. I have to be damn disciplined and control myself seriously more than doing anything else.

Today saw some old women and men dancing inside LauPasa again, that kind of quite bizarre dance that never let me enjoy. And the only words I could say is everyone has a wild heart, which is always veiled and trapped by some awful dogma and tradition.

God's dice!

Listening music and surfing Internet right now. Bought 3 CDs yesterday, all of them are gorgeous. And I have to review last week's emails later on tonight for next week's work. It's tough but something just have no choice.

Woke up 12:00 in this morning, swimming, bath, then said goodbye to the place at where I was living last whole year. There was a pretty Malay girl seating beside swimming pool. I also said goodbye to her, in mind, always :)
Went to Bugis to meet Wilfred, Sherman, YewJinn, ZC, Jielin after settling down the new residence. We're still fine and funny, hanging out till 11pm.

When lying on my new bed, I feel I admire the "God's dice" more and more --- a short piece of hazy conversation could start a remarkable relationship, a momentary event could change people's whole life. However no one will know when the opportunity comes and what the prospect it leads to.
For example, the 5 minutes meeting with Gerard in Challenger at last May caused me to leave school earlier than anyone's imagination. And I don't think I'm an odd monster but I'm still single, and so on...

Burning Music

Went to Adelphi building in the afternoon, saw Wilson again after 4 months. Seems he's always there, smiling and keeping open doors to everyone interested in his Hi-Fi headphone shop.
He asks me to try whatever I like, including the splendid AKG K1000.

Actually I have been thinking to buy a new CD player, Linn Classik, for sometime. The problem is, it's fucking expensive and I have to struggle with myself again and again....
In music game, the rule seems to be obvious --- If you want to get better sound, you have to burn something, like money......
And the thing really makes me upset is, the price of Linn Classik raised 30% this month!

Now, I'm seating in my room, lonely in the whole house. All friends had moved out yesterday.
I'm also supposed to move to the new place today, but I didn't just because I'm curious to know the feeling staying in the big house alone --- nothing special, as same as usual, boring and lonely.

Every stuff has a story

6:03am, 23th Sep, 2006.
Just spent the whole night to tidy up all my stuffs, for today's movement.

I sort of enjoy this feeling, taking out and cleaning up all my things slowly in the silent deep night, concurrently, every tale behind these things rise in my mind. Suddenly I remembered many things of which I would have forgotten. Those pictures, those feelings, but I have no courage to depict them anymore......

I used to throw away as many things as I can when moving house everytime because I really don't like to keep any trashy stuff or have any encumbrance in journey, so did this time. I chucked all the Linux CDs which enlightened my life, the electronical dictionary which once was my English Bible, and a lot of dated clothes.

The dawn's coming, sleepy, I have to have a short sleep now.

Who care?

Finally, I found a new place to stay, a single room in a 3+1 house.
The room is not too bad though I don't like those wooden furnitures too much, 10th floor, a whole glass wall opening a far and wide view without any obstruction, which is the primary feature I look for. And it's near ECP, not far from Raffles.

Actually I always think to have an own small house with two rooms on the top of a high building. It's neat and refined, decorated by polished steel, bright glass wall, colorful carpet and warm blanket, simple and shining without any extra stuffs.
Every time when I imagine the picture, that feeling kills me.
Unfortunately, it's just a impractical dream......

Otherwise, no one knows why I insist to leave my friends and find the house by myself and stay with some people who I didn't know before.
Because I feel bored, it's really boring to live with the same people all the way. Sometimes I just want to open an opporunity to explore a different period of adventurous life. Perhaps it's tough and I'm troubling myself, who care?

Now is 3:40am, I'm going to start writing blog.
. . . . . .
10 minutes later, after staring at the screen and thinking blankly, it's finished.

It's a play

Life doesn't like any fabulous moives starting with a adventurous story and ending with a happy result. It's always silent in void, endless in darkness, scenes keep emerging and repeating without stop, you even can't choose to surrender or to die --- It's a play, a infinite play going on under the bless of the damn God.

Some time ago, I pursued the enlightenment of saints and the truth of the world, but finally I realized doing those things is as silly as learning HyperMath by dog's brain.
I'm a human, the only thing I could understand is just trying to enjoy every day's mortal living. That's all.

Truth be told, I have been feeling sort of tired with the IT job though it's the only shining part of my life right now.
I will never leave IT and I also won't embrace IT to the end of the century. The world could be breathlessly boring without new adventures.

So the next is Futures Trading.
The fair becomes more and more interesting recently. I have to admit the gorgeous current situation and I always wish to do some great things.
It's not necessary conceal the natural ambition :)

However, two hell things still haunting me a lot: depression and fear.

English Return

Play needs to go on......

灰暗的灯光中发现镜子里面那张沮丧的脸又胖了不少。。。

我无意一次又一次地述说自己与身俱来的沮丧心情，更无意炫耀，只是不想让一切无声无息的湮没在黑暗中，好像什么都没有发生过一样。我是一个懦弱无能,索然无趣的人！
感觉自己站在IT的山峰上，才看清IT原来是如此的黯然无光，没有前途，却又无路可退。
我不曾埋怨任何人，也不曾后悔，如果一定要一个解释，只会是我不愿相信的命运。

真是可怜，连明天该去哪里，该做什么都不知道。。。

现在是4：31am，9月1号。这是个让人憎恨的日子，因为暑假结束了 --- 如果我还在中国，还在学校。

今天不知道怎么了，没什么事情，有点点困，但就不愿意睡觉。

这两天都下雨，在我出门之前开始下，而且很大，想是老天故意要配合我的心情。

发现自己blog变得越来越肤浅，总是一些琐碎杂事。或许应该开始写一些有内涵的东西，比如家仇国恨，生死离别。但要我这样肤浅的人写深奥的故事和道理，真是个困难。

还是睡觉吧，不知道今晚又会梦到什么。梦到什么都不重要，反正每次醒来只剩遗忘。。。

坐在出租车上冷得要死，因为站在雨里面打车，全身都湿，中午出门的时候外面下着大雨。还好我身体好。

这个两天心情都不怎么好，有点失落。感觉自己只是一个无关紧要的小角色，没有人在乎。希望能做一些伟大的事情，但是没有伟大的天赋。老人们总是在说天赋不重要努力才最重要，那都是骗人的谎话。
有些目标可以梦想，但却永远不会实现。再说现在我连自己到底想要什么都不知道。

终于开始学习使用TT的auto-spreader，交易bund和bobl。其实还是对期货还是一点兴趣都没有，只是觉得自己必须必须学习。

不写了，越写越无聊。。。

我想去冒险。。。

4：00pm

这两天都在看"海贼王"的剧场版，每天看到天亮了才睡觉，很好看，以至于现在走在街上看到高速移动的物体都有冲上去一脚踢飞的冲动。
华丽的画面，搞笑的人物，让人兴奋的情节，不得不佩服小日本在动画上惊人的想象力和创造力。
为什么我不可以创造自己的冒险世界，老天真是残忍。

下个月底就要搬家了，现在一点着落都没有。
不想再跟认识的住一起，一个人住也好。一是因为我认识的中国人很少，两只手就可以数完。二是因为感觉那样会很无聊。
他们问我想住什么样的房子，想了半天还是觉得住高楼比较好，可以看远吹风。
说来说去都是钱的问题。我并不想承认：钱真是个好东西！

2:40am

才看完两部好电影，"疯狂的石头"和"something's gotta give"，还想看第二遍。。。看完突然有个伟大决定：从明天开始，我要重新学习英语，每天再也不要睡十小时。

世界很大，我很小

这个世界很大，我很小，而且我很胆小

每个人都有恐惧，尤其是我，让我无法呼吸，无处可逃

本来有很多话要说，现在什么都不想说，好累

生命是如此让人绝望~~~

游戏 = 生命

突然觉得有很多话要说，又不知道从哪里开始，这两天都是有趣的事情。

刚才无意间看到一个SB的blog，名字是"像天使一样飞翔"，其实就是讲他坐飞机从起飞到降落的过程，中间夹杂波音777客机的驾驶速成以及空气动力学原理，800个字右左，结构严谨条理清晰，一看就知道是在中国上高中的时候写作文写傻了！

瑶和龙兄我都不认识，刚才看他们在狮城论坛上吵架，笑了半天。其实没有谁对谁错，只是两个时代的人对同一事物不同的理解，简称代沟。当一个人想去填平代沟的时候就像想去填平全世界的阴沟一样愚蠢，比如龙兄。
我从来没有兴趣参与别人的纷争，但今天例外，没有特别的原因，只因为现在有点无聊，觉得搞笑，哈哈。

昨晚在黄家又看了一遍"大内密探零零发"，从头笑到尾。虽然已经看过好几遍，但每次看都有新的认识和发现，唯一的解释就是：周星驰的老电影太TMD的经典了！
走得时候借了两本钱上个月从中国带回来的"大众软件"，钩起了好多回忆。。。。。。

游戏。
只有游戏可以实现我们天马行空的幻想，比如王子救公主，超人保护宇宙，一个人一把剑一匹马杀一千个人。我曾经是如此沉溺于体会这种在现实中无法实现的奇异生活和感受。。。
看着"大众软件"里面已经发行和将要发行的各种新游戏，好想玩，感觉好失落。

游戏是生命，生命就是游戏！

昨天又吐了。
晚上8：30和Gerard, Naresh, Lee Peng, Choo Chye, Henky去意大利餐馆吃饭, cheese pizza, pasta, Lamb chop, tiramisu cake。
11：00pm回公司测试第二条CME连接。12点半去喝酒，只喝了两杯，回家就吐了。。。

我们真是伟大。这个星期终于完成5个月前的计划，建立了3个期货交易系统：TT, PATS, RTS; 连接到全球的7个交易所：CME, CBOT, LIFFE, EUREX, SGX, TAIFEX, TOCOM。而且，我仍然是IT Head。

有时候感觉很骄傲，但不想让别人看出来，因为我知道骄傲是不对的 --- 其实我并不高兴，也没有伤心，只是时不时的感到沮丧。

Four sad guys

前天在Sherman的MSN头像上看到这张他和Yewjinn，zhengchuan一起走出学校的照片，感觉不对，问他发生什么了事情，他说："3 sad person, cos our fyp is dead"。居然还有这种事情发生，我一听就很高兴。

之后又觉得有点伤心，要是当时我跟他们并肩走在一起那该多好。。。可惜我已经离开，连fail fyp的机会都没有了。。。

这个周末一定要叫他们出来，表示庆祝。

优美的语法

我没有看别人的博客的习惯，即使有看，也只是为了了解最近网上的热门话题，寻找搞笑好玩的东西。而且我只看偶像们的博客，比如韩寒，老罗，芙蓉姐姐。最近发现和菜头，也贼搞笑：

"口水白白流淌，板砖为谁乱放？这样美丽而忧伤的胖子，腿毛飘飘，站在上岗上" --- 和菜头

华丽！生动！无可挑剔！

我也会失眠

现在6：28am，我居然也会失眠。
昨天晚上去Kasbar吃东西，喝酒。两杯Shangrila，回家又吐了，每次都这样。。。Naresh总是叫我学着喝酒，但有些事情真的是天生的，比如长相。

天就快亮了，突然不知道今天该做什么，该去哪里。要是太阳永远都不出来那该多好。。。

--- 10:25pm
才跑步回来。今天果然哪里都没有去，在家待了一天。

下午看了Stephen Jobs在Apple上个星期举行的年度开发大会上的录像，又发现了Google新推出的“Google Video”，心想科技进步真TMD快 。
我曾经希望自己站在科技的前端，现在只希望不要被抛在后面，还有明天春天Mac OS X Leopard发行的时候自己不会太穷。。。

刚才看见一个小男孩坐楼下的游泳池边悠闲地吹着泡泡，真是幸福~~~

---3:42am
才和潘喆干完无数局Warcraft 3，手好酸。
睡觉！

中午12点迷迷糊糊的醒来，想去游泳，一看外面没有太阳，倒在床上又睡。1点起床，洗澡，喝了杯冷牛奶，上班。
现在每天在公司待12-13个小时，睡9-10个小时，剩下的时间都在出租车上。。。

昨天好像是新加坡国庆，记得去年这个时候还可以站在落地窗边看烟火，又是一年。

昨天晚上回家看见2只小小强在我的牙刷上面爬来爬去，还不时地抬头看看我，露出很愉快的表情。我叹了口气，把灯上，回房睡觉了。
一天都没刷牙，刚才才去7-11买了把新牙刷，以后一定要把它藏好。

Australia

上午10点过痛苦地起床，陪钱和老鹰去澳洲大学的招聘会。第一次去这种地方，看着里面各种大学漂亮的招生手册，突然觉得好失落。。。

现在静静地听着晚上在Orchard买的CD，吃着黑巧克力，一片接着一片，无所事事。

前两天才加入了狮城交友会的qq群，里面的人疯狂刷屏，一点技术含量都没有，好无趣，而且里面的人我一个都不认识，连话都插不上。。。

失败感觉好难受！

现在很晚了，可是还不是很想睡。玩了一晚上的Warcraft 3，神经太兴奋了。
输了一晚上，很丢脸。不想说自己以前有多厉害，事实证明现在的我反应迟钝，战术低下。都是因为太久没有玩，应该有一年多了吧。

突然有重新训练的想法，但现在哪有原来在学校里面那么多醉生梦死的空余时间。。。但这毕竟是我曾经耗费了数不清的日日夜夜，得到不少虚伪的荣誉的游戏。看着自己现在这样的下三烂水平，真是有心有不甘。。。

失败感觉好难受！:(

幸运儿

一个星期好像又要过去了，什么事情都没发生，让人伤心。

大部分人都不喜欢平淡无趣的生活，但残酷的现实让他们无能为力地挣扎，慢慢也就习惯麻木，遗忘了过去的激情和梦想。

我很幸运，至少我还有自由，迟来的自由，让我仍然想着飞翔~~~

上个拜六黄辉过生日，去东海岸吃马来菜，味道很不错，然后在岸边迎风点蜡烛，好不容易才把两根大的点燃。
我已经忘记上次庆祝自己的生日是什么时候了。。。明明是老了一岁，应该伤心才对，为什么大家都要庆祝？

昨天突然认识到最近一直在做一件很愚蠢的事，每天习惯性地一次次打开狮城论坛的网页，看着一群永远都不会认识的人的帖子。我真是愚蠢。。。。。。

What the mystery you're looking for 。。。

我很懒，这点在我很小的时候就已经被预见了。满屋乱扔的衣服和CD，坏了一个多月都还没拿去修的笔记本电脑，等到没有得穿了才会洗的袜子，我不在乎。但我越来越来痛恨自己在工作上的慵懒：每天睡接近10个小时，早上11点过才上班；电脑里堆着各种凌乱的文件；很多东西要去学习，但我总是一天天地逃避。
不管怎样，明天八点起床！

今天下午又有些犯病，坐在那里什么都不想做，静静的发呆。试着强迫自己集中注意力，但一阵心绞痛。。。

又学到了一个新的单词：enlightenment --- 当一个人因为无法用已知的知识去解释和预测周围发生的事情而苦恼的时候总会求助于别人的启迪和教化，通常这就是对宗教和神的信仰。我很尊敬和羡慕那些默默追求信仰的人，至少他们总是心怀希望和憧憬。
我不介意去追寻信仰的答案，但如果一切本来就是迷茫和绝望，我宁愿坦然面对。

晚上和Jielin, Shaun, Zhengchuan, Yewjinn, Wilfred, Sherman去吃Pasta，然后坐在Paragon的Cafe bean外面喝水，一起在他们的笔记本电脑上玩游戏，直到没电。

十点半到Simei MRT的时候看到四，五十个中年妇女在露天广场里面跳着畸形的迪斯科。这是我有生近距离目击过的最惨不忍睹的人间景象，以至按耐不住自己强烈的好奇心和猎奇心，买了个肉松面包站在旁边边吃边看 --- 我无法理解她们就像她们永远都不会了解我。

不会死心的梦

昨天晚上很诡异，因为做了一个诡异的梦，梦到一个从来没有到过的地方，美而凄冷的风景让人窒息。又梦到了教室，总是梦到教室，高中，初中，小学 --- 我不喜欢追忆过去，但过去的学生生活已经不知不觉地刻进了心底。
哎，我是一个该死的不会死心的人啊。

晚上去买Royce买巧克力，回家打开才发现买错了，不是黑巧克力，有点郁闷。。。

加勒比海盗太帅了

中午起床看见太阳已经出来，于是去楼下游泳。

下午去Tampines买了3张CD，付钱的时候面无表情，但心中忍不住暗骂：太TMD贵了。
突然心情不是很好，走进10块钱的理发店叫他们随便把我的头发剪短一点，剪到一半发现状况不对，太难看，只好又叫他们全部推平，几个月的头发就这样白长了。算了，明天去买顶新帽子遮住丑脸，世界上没有便宜的事情。。。
一个人看Pirates of Caribbean。买票之前站在售票口那里想了很久，想该怎么用英文读这个名字，最后还是用中文买了票。

晚上和钱，黄，文娟去吃饭。他们问我找到相好没有，我诚实地告诉他们：如果找到了就不会跟你们一起吃饭了。
之后去Kbox。如果这个世界还有什么事情能够让每个人都痛苦不堪，那就是听我唱歌。。。

下午出门的时候只打算了买了CD就回家，穿了件破T-shirt，短裤，拖鞋，结果才回来。

无可奈何花落去。。。

晚上又一起去吃饭，之后他们去酒吧，我回家。又想去买荔枝，逛了一大圈都没有看到 --- 世界上的事情总是这样，回头去找的时候才伤心地发现已经没有了。

今天Foochye又说了一晚上的话，说他如何被从地狱而来的前女友折磨，抛弃然后再折磨，我们笑了一晚上。
这种极端的苦难和极度搞笑的自嘲天赋我只在李扬身上看到过，他现在已经遁入空门，并且坚持用双手创造幸福。
我很喜欢跟这种带有悲剧色彩的喜剧人物做朋友，他们总是如此真诚和坦率。可惜Foochye已经太老了，我们并不属于同一个时代。

风的叹息

这个世界上好听的歌太多了，如果有谁的听不腻，就要算许美静了。
那时我还在高中住校，每天晚上都在听歌中度过。第一次听她的专辑是《快乐无罪》，听完第一遍没什么感觉，听完第二遍还是没什么感觉，听完第三遍就爱上了她，可惜后来发现她长得不怎么样，只能唱歌。
最近听说她疯了，让我更喜欢她了 - 绝美的唱腔怎么可能是普通人可以拥有的！

每次在深夜静静地听她的那张专辑的时候都有一点点心痛的感觉，像是多年前的夜晚。

其实每个人都很简单，可是伪装，错觉，怯弱总是叫人擦肩而过。

“我不怕苦就怕等待”

坚决打击反革命份子

又快1点，才回家不久。晚上又去Geylang吃东西，还买些荔枝，可是味道不怎么好。。。

今天突然发现已经有很久都没有在网上跟人说过话了，登上qq，跟一个不认识的女生说了半天，还要了她的照片。之后什么感觉都没有了，我对自己暗暗发下毒誓 - 以后再也不跟网上的陌生女生聊天了！
过了一会又有一个反动份子加我，跟他交流了大半天，好久都没这么爽了：

374357244 19:45:56
你好哇
惑 19:46:16
好。。。

374357244 19:46:26
还记得我吗?
惑 19:46:41
你是说我？

喜儿 19:47:03
我上次可能是用另一个号和你聊的, 我也忘了
惑 19:47:14
见鬼了~~~

喜儿 19:47:29
有事想问问你的意见, 行吗?
惑 19:47:53
请讲

喜儿 19:48:22
到今天为止有 1179万多人 声明 退出共一产一党, 你知道为什么吗?
惑 19:50:35
为什么呀为什么

喜儿 19:51:20
因为善恶有报是天理, 现在共一产一党恶贯满盈, 正义之士都想赶紧脱离这样的恶 党, 做个清白好人, 所以每天有2～3万人退
惑 19:52:24
就是,俺早就想加入国民党了,可惜他们不要我

惑 19:53:24
姐姐你是什么党的呢?
喜儿 19:53:56
我没打算入什么党派, 但爱国之心人人都该有
惑 19:54:29
该有 该有

喜儿 19:55:14
因为网络封锁, 很多人上不了退党网站, 所以很多能突破网路封锁的朋友都在帮大 家退呢
惑 19:56:18
真的啊? 中国网络建设太落后了,人一多就卡

喜儿 19:57:01
这波退党潮持续扩大, 很多高官和军人也响应这个壮举呢!
惑 19:58:01
哇~~~要是我也是高官那该多好啊

喜儿 19:58:31
退党网站上有很多精彩的退党声明, 我找给你看, 等我一下好吗?
惑 19:59:08
我只等美女......
惑 19:59:43
今天破例一下吧.....

喜儿 20:00:05
那你是党员 团员 或 曾经是少先队 吗?
惑 20:02:12
有! 我8岁就加入少先队了,现在退会不会太迟呢?

喜儿 20:02:53
简单的说, 你不会想和坏人同伙吧? 曾经加入共一产一党任何组织就是它的同伙, 所以现在大家都急著退呢!
喜儿 20:03:54
我在海外能自由上网, 你如果想退, 给我一个名字 (小名, 化名, 当然真名也行), 让我帮你退, 好吗?
惑 20:05:03
好呀好呀,大家都叫我超人。

惑 20:05:38
姐姐你叫什么呢?
喜儿 20:05:55
我是 郁姿 啊, 你记起来没?
惑 20:06:42
哇~~~好漂亮的名字,能不能看一看姿姿姐姐的照片呢?

惑 20:09:19
今天天气这么好,你有没有去逛街呢?

惑 20:17:51
照片! 照片!

喜儿 20:18:24
这件事对你和你的家人都很重要, 不然你想想再告诉我, 好吗?
惑 20:19:59
看了照片我就告诉你!

喜儿 20:20:09
先聊到这儿吧
惑 20:20:23
哼,你好小气
喜儿 20:20:31
好的 88
惑 20:20:43
姐姐走好~~~

惑 20:22:11
我给你说个秘密嘛,你要不要听?
惑 20:33:18
其实我也是火星人!
惑 20:40:14
再聊聊嘛,跟你聊天好有意思~~~

。。。。。。

I never considered myself a IT manager until yesterday. I felt deep shamed with it and all. People, even my self, laughed at it. However, something finally happened last night.

It's TransMarket Group Singapore open ceremonial, a new starting for all of us. I did dress up a white shirt, the only formal shirt I have, which had been stored in chest for a long time.
I was standing beside the big crowd, quietly. I saw what we had done and what we were going to do, I perceived people's surprise and expectation. All of suddenly, I noticed I had been taking the duty belonging to me, facing the consternation always haunting me.

The thing I learned in last four months is not any technical skill or knowledge, but how to keep everything on the right way， right direction. There are two ways to achieve a target - inquiring other people's opinions and asking them to finish it, otherwise, do it by myself no matter whatever people say.

It's also the first time for me to express something more desirable and comfortable in English rather than Chinese......

今天11点起床，6点下班。很久都没这么早离开过公司了，有在学校考完期末考试放假的感觉。去Bugis买了1瓶香水，我的第二瓶香水。
第一瓶是小姨在两年前送的，CK Contradiction，味道很不错。她告诉我这是男士的，但是突然有一天我发现被骗了，就一直放在箱子里面再也没用过了。。。

为什么被抛弃的总是我？

最近花钱很厉害，虽然从来没有计算花了多少钱的习惯，但最近的确花了不少。
其实并不太介意这样，第一是因为很难找到比花钱更能让人舒坦的事情了，第二是我觉得自己以后应该能赚得更多。

晚上和Yewjinn他们在Orchard的一家音像店里发现不少老CD，5块钱一张，高兴坏了。付钱打开后感觉有点旧，突然看见盒子上的一个小标签写着"Used"，有点郁闷。。。

拜六去公司的时候Gerard, Naresh, Leepeng, Mike都在，晚上快8点了才离开。原来他们也跟我一样寂寞无聊，真是同情他们。
之后又一个人去吃饭看电影，很喜欢味千拉面，虽然那是小日本开的店。

有时候觉得有很多东西要写，现在却什么都想不起来了，也失去了那时那刻的心情。失去的东西总是很难找回来。。。

剑与魔法

2006年7月2号，星期天，下在5点25分，大晴。
趴在窗边吹着暖暖的风，看着外面橙色的阳光斜斜照在不远处的一片矮屋上，有点耀眼。远处时不时有飞机缓缓起飞，然后轰轰的消失在淡蓝色的天空中。又是一个慵懒的下午，一天又将这样的过去。

这个周末除了吃饭哪也没去。在家看玄幻小说，看剑于魔法的世界。
小时候总以为自己会成为一个英雄，拿无敌的剑，骑着跑不死的马，在风高月黑的晚上站在悬崖边瞭望大地，可惜小孩的想象力总是超过大自然的创造力。
剑与魔法，很不幸直到现在我一样都没有，只好在别人的传奇故事里寻找安慰。。。

这个星期真是罪过，每天大吃大喝。Gerard警告像我这样能吃以后肯定长胖，我不以为然回答不要紧，我天生精壮，其实心里很是担心。
晚上去跑步。

遗失的美好

夜半3点15分，登上QQ，突然想起很多以前的事情，一杯冷牛奶，几片巧克力，打开blog，却又不知道该说什么，只好静静地坐着。

人一生最大的悲哀就是不知道自己失去过什么。而失去与得不到的东西才让人觉得珍贵。没有人有办法想象或者找回那些遗失的美好。
我不相信命运，但我深陷其中。

我从来不曾做过选择，周围的一切选择了我。我懦弱地接受，在害怕失去现在与后悔过去之间矛盾不已。
我并不痛苦，只是时不时的悲叹和沮丧。

如果上天给我机会再来一次，我并不认为自己能够改变什么。

今天早上起床面对镜子的时候发现自己又老了不少，一天一天慢慢地衰老，真是让人伤心。

迷茫

不知不觉一个星期就这样过去了，感觉什么都没发生过，叫人绝望。

今天又在家待了一天，躺在床上听音乐，睡觉，吃昨天在Royce买的黑巧克力，还万不得已地洗了一大堆衣服。
我一向很懒，在小学时候高瞻远瞩的老师们就这样批评过我，当时不自知，觉得很委屈。人总是很难认识自己的缺点和坦然面对别人的批评。

昨天又Yewjinn，Sherman和Wilfred在Cityhall附近晃了一天。默默地听他们讲最近在学校发生的事情，那些不再属于我的事情。。。

算了，突然不知道该怎么继续写下去。

11:43pm：

才跑步回来，全身发软。
这个星期每天都有吃一块cheese cake，虽然知道这东西会让人发胖，但味道的确好，忍不住。。。

UM2的声音很不错，现在到家就开始听。我不知道好的声音应该是什么样子，只要听着舒服就好。原来高中时候第一次听sony的原配耳机也一样被感动。
很羡慕那些可以一边听音乐一边做其他事情的人，在音乐里面我根本没有办法连续地思考。

一直以为自己是个technical IT guy，但最近发生的一切不得不让自己寻找新的定位。我并不想总站在原地，但在迷茫中前进的每一步都要付出巨大努力和承受巨大痛苦，没有人会看见。
突然想起韩寒在《三重门》里面的最后一段话：比如手攀住一块凸石，脚下是深渊，明知爬不上去，手又痛得流血，不知道该放不该放。。。

生病了

现在是夜半4点20分，才写完下周的工作计划，发了几封email。
没想到会搞到这么晚，都是因为白天什么都不想做，听音乐，睡觉，流了一天的鼻涕。

我感冒，不知道什么时候感冒的，现在脑袋还有点晕。一直认为自己的身体很好，像个超人，没想到超人也会生病。。。

晚上7点过突然很想看电影，于是换上一身脏衣服，戴上Starhub送的丑陋的世界杯的帽子，出门了。
我从来没有兴趣看恐怖片，并不是因为看的时候会害怕，而是回家过后一个人半夜想起来才怕得要死。
今天买了张Silent Hill的票，感觉还好，并不是很恐怖，情节很不错。

UM2！

今天感觉还不错，遇到一个好老头，买了一副新耳机。
下午去Adelphi，走到一家偏僻安静的小店，看见橱窗里面有不少好的耳机，于是就推门进去了。我问守店的老头可不可以看一下UM2，他笑着说不光可以看，而且还可以听。店里面乱糟糟地堆满了各种音响器材，那老头叫我随摆弄，选自己喜欢的。不知不觉就在里面待了2多小时，试听了不少以前只在图片上看到过的耳机。其实我是外行，听来听去都没什么差别。。。最后还是买了UM2，比预料的便宜不少。走的时候老头送了我2张歌剧的CD，我说我会再来听各种耳机，他说欢迎。真是个快乐的老头，我想他开店大半都是出于爱好。

其实这几天心情都不好。有点感冒，嗓子好痛，还流鼻涕。才买不久的笔记本电脑也被自己弄坏了。
拜五上班的时候觉得好累，待在那里一天什么都没做，开始怀疑自己到底适不适合现在的工作，或许一切只是出于运气，每次想到这里的时候总是很沮丧，可是工作还是要继续。。。晚上10点到家倒在床上就睡，睡到今天早上11点半才醒来。

刚才回家的时候买了些面包，牛奶，橙汁，玉米和香蕉，打算明天哪里都不去了，除非美女邀请去吃饭，不过看来是不可能了。李扬同学很久前就告诉过我：美女都是喜欢养鸽子的。。。

抑郁。。。

昨天晚上Gerard带我去一家印度餐馆，吃得一身的臭咖喱味。今天晚上去吃螃蟹，又吃得一身都是油。。。虽然我真的很能吃，但是并不想经常去那些的地方，在常去的那家一个人静静地吃一碗素菜汤加饭就满足了。

现在每天上班没有人告诉我该做什么，不该做什么了，让我诚惶诚恐。有时候有点骄傲，但突如其来的紧张常常让人压抑不已，每次在家开email邮箱的时候都有恐惧的感觉。。。难道这就是工作，难道这就是离开学校后不得不面对的残酷生活。

老罗不干了

这几天世界杯，但家里的电视只有2个频道，开都懒得开。虽然很想看，但不看也无所谓，我又不是球迷。老罗不是说了吗，“你才是球迷呢！”。

昨天看老罗在网易的评球，发现他不干了，原因是没有激情而且有愧于听他上课的学生。这个世界人很多，但是能知进退，反省和道歉的人却很少。老罗真是伟大！赞一下，偶像！

最近几天上班都无精打采的，msn上的那个美女也不理我，想去买副新的耳塞又不知道该买哪种好。。。

刚才小姨给我打电话，说表弟也想到新加坡来，我一下不知道该说什么才好。。。在中国的时候对这边充满了向往和羡慕，就像我，但来了过后才发现原来不过是这样，寂寞和迷茫。有几个人能真正喜欢在新加坡生活，有几个人能像我这样幸运的呢。
我没有能力也从来不想去敲碎别人美好的梦想。
“ 每个人都会经历这个阶段，看见一座山，就想知道山后面是什么。我很想告诉他，可能翻过去山后面，你会发觉没有什么特别，回头看会觉得这边更好。但是他不会相信，以他的性格，自己不试试是不会甘心。” --- 东邪西毒

现在又是12点过了，今天要早点睡，因为明天又要早起。。。

刚才给家里面打电话。我妈说她过两天要去中国最北的地方，漠河，去看北极光，把我吓了一跳。我说我赞助她1000新币，她高兴坏了。。。
我始终认为我妈这辈子是个很失败人，她品德很好但个性太差，做事对人的方式让我觉得很反感，而且造成了太多的伤害。我不喜欢和她多说话，但该我做的事情我还是要做。
个性决定命运。很多人都知道这句话，但又有几个能完全明白呢。

昨天睡了一天，晚上和家里的人在楼下烧烤。好喜欢烧炭生火，于是把火生得特别大，结果鸡翅膀大半都烤糊了。。。
Stefan昨天也举办生日烧烤，可惜我上个星期才知道，好遗憾。很久都没有这么遗憾的感觉了，虽然有过太多的遗憾。
每一个遗憾与机遇把命运分成一段一段，像分叉的树丫。个性决定了选择，决定了将失去和将得到的东西，让我哭，让我笑，让我无可抱怨。

一直都认为自己承受的痛苦和拥有的快乐一样多，失去的东西和得到的东西一样多，但这种平衡最近几个月正在被打破，让我不知所措。。。
上个拜五晚上一个人在公司的时候突然又莫名的沮丧，好难受，但又害怕永远地失去这种感觉。

有机会我也要去漠河，但绝对不会跟我妈一起去。

一天又一天

该写什么呢，现在又是半夜了。
每次写blog都要花一两个小时的时间，喜欢慢慢地写，又没有人催我。

昨天晚上和Sherman,Wilfred在Yewjinn家睡的。四个人挤在一间小房间里，玩了半夜的CS，然后倒在地上横七竖八地睡着了。早上11点醒来的时候他们又开始玩了，好不想离开。。。
好久都没有回如梦如幻的RP了。RP搬到Woodland之后只去过一次，但经常看到RP的人。晚上10点过在麦当劳的时候就看到了3个。其实并不认识他们，只是觉得面熟，我想他们也应该觉得我很面熟吧。

刚才和Gerard，Leepeng，Foochye去旺角点心吃宵夜，应该算是晚饭。其实我一点都不饿，上班的时候一直在吃署片。
他们都觉得那里东西不错，悲哀。。。好想念成都的吃的，我已经在设想回去的时候每天该去什么地方吃东西了。。。

衰老的悲哀

夜半12点50分，有一点点困，突然什么都不想做，也不想睡，只好静静的发呆。。。

表面上看这几天真是轻松。
今天早上10点过起床，12过到公司，发了几封邮件，下午2点过和Gerard, CK去Challenge大采购，然后去麦当劳吃了今天唯一的一顿饭 --- 一个辣鸡汉堡套餐外加两个草莓圣代。6点过回公司。10点过回家。
刚才数了数今天收到的email，37封，难得这么少。

昨天，应该是前天晚上9点过去吃饭的时候看到一群人在老巴萨中间跳舞。
音乐还不错，有点像R&B，但二三十个中年妇女扭动着老迈臃肿的身躯，并且带着陶醉表情，让从旁边路过的我感到有些尴尬。
我默默地看着她们，心想是什么样的动机让她们做出这么奇异的举动。或许她们只是想去追寻逝去的青春，去体会曾经活力四射的感觉，但却在一个错误的地方做着一件不属于她们那个年代的事情。
这时候突然觉得好悲哀，因为总有一天，我也会像她们一样衰老，也会无能为力地怀念似水年华。

仙人的指点

本来今天不想写blog的，突然想起昨天跟李扬同学在QQ上的对话。当时不觉得怎么样，刚才在回家的路上想起来笑了好半天。

(2006-05-29 15:06:06) 惑
大仙，小生一事不明，可指路？
(2006-05-29 15:06:31) 坏叔叔
说
(2006-05-29 15:06:49) 惑
何为情？
(2006-05-29 15:07:41) 坏叔叔
不知
(2006-05-29 15:08:33) 惑
情从何来？
(2006-05-29 15:10:46) 坏叔叔
不知
(2006-05-29 15:10:49) 惑
情归何处？
(2006-05-29 15:11:42) 坏叔叔
不知
(2006-05-29 15:13:11) 惑
原来大仙也为情所困
(2006-05-29 15:20:20) 坏叔叔
不，
无情，
何来困？
(2006-05-29 15:21:20) 惑
可赐忘情草？
(2006-05-29 15:33:26) 坏叔叔
反复手淫
(2006-05-29 15:42:34) 惑
大仙真内行。。。。。。

阴天

从昨天晚上9点睡到今天早上11点，最后被风吹醒了。睁开眼睛往外一看，又是阴天。
趴在窗边模模糊糊地看着外面的世界，吹着冷冷的风，很爽。又快要下雨了吧。

昨天在家洗衣服，然后一个人去Tampines吃饭，玩游戏机，看电影。
3件毛衣，11件T-shirt，5条裤子，算算应该有1个月没洗衣服了吧，真让人痛苦。
X-Man3还不错，但是可惜的是，我不是X-Man。
玩游戏机的时候突然想起了很多以前的事情。初中每天5点过放学，然后和一帮同学在游戏厅待到8，9点，回家就说加课。那时候很穷，大部分时候都是在看别人玩，而且还要担心被老师抓。。。

外面果然下雨了，伴着雷声。

才回家。在7-11买了一袋葡萄面包和一盒苹果汁，回家路上边走边吃，算是晚饭。

突然觉得没有什么东西好写的，一天就这样过去了，好像什么都没有发生过一样。

昨天晚上在Fullerton Hotel Post Bar里面的一杯Whisky Sour让我回家倒在床上就睡，睡到今天早上11点。。。
前天晚上10过下班和Gerard去上海宋吃螃蟹。

明天要争取8点过起床！很久都没有这么早起过床了，虽然经常都有早起的打算。可是现在还不想睡。。。

阿拉丁的神灯

今天又是星期天，现在我又一个人坐在公司里面。本来打算做的事情，突然什么都不想做。静静地听着音乐，写blog，什么都不想想。

中午Tom, Allision在Raffles Hotel请客，自助餐，我一看就崩溃了，告诉Gerard:"it's better than my imagination”。现在都还很饱。。。
昨天晚上和拜五晚上都跟钱和老鹰去打球看电影。Davinci code场场暴满，但Over the hedge比Davinci Code好看。
昨天天气很好，起床，游泳，然后和Farhan, Alfi, Azar在乌节路从下午2点逛到晚上9点。累了就坐下来吃东西喝水，然后又走，然后又吃东西喝水。。。Shidah在Fendi买了个包1500块，吓得我们话都说不出来。

刚才鼓起勇气在MSN上约美女去看电影，被拒绝。。。突然体会到了很多年前李扬同学日日夜夜的痛苦。下次在MSN上遇到他一定要和他好好相互慰问一下。。。
也不知道他现在怎么样了。

生存的意义是什么？每当我沮丧的时候都会忍不住地想这个问题。
可以肯定的说除了人之外所有生物生存的意义不过是繁殖。那人呢？我从来不认为人类比其他的物种高级多少，但我也不想承认我们生存的意义也是可悲的繁殖。
好累，不想再思考。。。

如果有一天我拣到一个阿拉丁神灯，里面蹦出来一个神仙或是恶魔并且问我有什么愿望，我会坚定地说：请给我永恒的死亡。
我并不介意死亡，如果我不会再生。我并不介意死亡，如果所有的人都忘记了我。

头发长出来了

沮丧的一天。什么都不想做，什么都不想说，就这样过了一天。

晚上一个人去Bugis逛街，买了件短袖的毛衣。明天就穿。
吃晚饭的时候先吃了一盘菜饭，觉得很不爽，又吃了一大碗韩国拌饭，才挺着肚子回家。

最近养成个坏习惯，没事就喜欢去狮城家园看看。我在想什么呢。。。

头发慢慢长出来了。三个星期前看到过我的人都说我头发长得快。
又是一个轮回。

今天星期天

早上11点28分，一阵雷声把我吵醒，外面又下起了大雨。在半梦半醒间听着哄哄的雷声和哗哗的雨声，很爽。

昨天中午也是下雨，我刚才出家门就下雨，很大。站在雨中打了辆车，全身都湿透了。
下午去Bugis找黄学台球，很有心得，可以打直线球了。下周继续。
晚上和老鹰，钱和他的女朋友去Geylang吃烧烤，正宗的中国烧烤。那是一家很偏僻破旧的小店，钱说是一个Temasek毕业的中国学生开的，突然觉得很悲哀。。。

今天哪都不去。

期待

很无趣的一天，除了那场电影。

中午跟石磊一起去吃的饭，大半年都没见到他了。我默默地听着他像以前一样无聊的东拉西扯。
之后去打台球，我以为他的技术大有长进，结果错了，我们居然还在一个档次。一桌球打了一个小时，让周围等桌子的观众痛苦不已，留下一片愤恨之气，消散不去。
突然好想找小黄学台球，至少以后不能再像今天这么丢脸了。。。

晚上蔡迪请我吃面包，我请她看电影，想想也有大半年没见过她了。她人很好。其他方面就不评价了，毕竟她还小，而且又是我表弟的表妹。按辈份算我是不是叔叔？

Mission Impossible 3, 从开头一直紧张到结尾。好久都没有看过这么精彩的片子了。可惜超人与英雄总是只存在于传说之中，不是我。
从电影院走出来的时候突然意识到最近几个月都没怎么看电影，错过了不少好片子，应该反省。。。

明天又应该干什么呢?......

如果。。。

半夜12：36，我一个人坐在公司里面打字。反正都这么晚了，再晚一点回家也不迟。

现在很是高兴，因为刚刚完成CME新的MDP的网络连接。和芝加哥那边的Lakhu在电话里面讲了一个小时，测试顺利通过。赞一下他的人品!
我告诉过Gerard和Mike，"we are the best，and we will continue to be the best"，嘿嘿。

还有一件事情。晚上和美女在MSN上聊了好半天，莫名其妙的兴奋。最后她说她要去看电视了。老罗不是都说过了吗：电视是给愚夫愚妇看的。。。

悲剧

9点到家，玩魔兽世界到现在。玩了几个月了，断断续续，略有小成，48级了！
都忘了是怎么开始的了。家里的人在玩，成都的那群贱人也在玩，于是我也就玩了。选人物的时候选来选去都不满意，样子都不像我，不够丑。

现在玩游戏的时间越来越少，以前天天通宵的峥嵘岁月只能用来怀念，剩下的是一群曾经为在精神上出生入死的朋友，好想他们。
每次都被问什么时候回去，每次的答案都是不知道。。。

刚才叶翼也在魔兽世界里面，公会会长，很腐败。
他告诉我阿暴明年一月就要和他的星星结婚了，把我吓了一跳，同时让我认识到为什么美女往往都是个悲剧。。。

突然想起很多年前张爱玲说过的一句很美丽的话：黄卷青灯，美人迟暮，千古一辙。

死亡的感觉

今天生理反常，平时10点都不想起床，居然早上6点就起来。可能是因为昨天睡太多。
昨天在家待了一天，哪都没去。看书，吃饭，睡觉。
突然发现睡觉的时候把十指交叉放在胸前很有意思，像牧师在祈祷，也像躺在棺材里听牧师祈祷的死人，原来两个的感觉没什么区别。

下午没事的时候跟几个几个朋友在qq和msn上聊天。今天心理也反常，话特别多。。。

在公司从早上8点半待到晚上11点半。一个人来，一个离开。疯狂的工作对寂寞的人来说是一件多么值得欣慰的事，哈哈~

今天天气很好，万里晴空白云朵朵。
起床，洗澡，写blog。

昨天有点疯。1点起床，看见前天msn加那个女生在线，主动打招呼。她也很友善，告诉我她急着出门，并且邀请我下次再聊。于是我也就出门了。
不知道为什么每次看她照片的时候感觉很奇怪。。。

去Borders买了本书，杜拉斯的"The lover"，很是高兴。已经找了很久。
然后跟Farhan，Shidah，herry和她男朋友去Borders楼上吃寿司。我好多余，本来以为只有Farhan会来。。。

晚上去Shidah订下的宾馆房间里面看电影喝酒看新加坡选举。
英国的黑伏特加，我只喝了一口，像是毒药，加了雪碧还可以。
其实新加坡选举关我屁事，但和一屋子的人一起欢呼骂人，很好玩。
我很喜欢他们，虽然大多数新加坡的马来人看起来都有些古怪和难以接近，但外表下面却是真诚和团结。

12点过后，Zouk很热闹。我又是第一个离开的，因为觉得好累，难道真的老了？

今天一天心情都不错，除了现在。

才到家。突然觉得好累，突然在想值不值得每天这么辛苦。想了半天，答案当然是值得，因为找不到任何不值得的理由。但此时此刻真的好累。。。失去了一切的目标，失去了一切的动力。

付出能得到什么？

资本主义也腐败了，动不动就请客吃饭。
上个星期五为了庆祝拿到工作准证，一起去了家法国餐馆，开了三瓶红酒，公款。其实我只喝了小半杯。
今天CBOT请客。生鱼片，蟹肉，鸭肝，蘑菇，三文鱼，羊排，外加三个甜点，用了三个小时才上完。真是累坏了美女服务生，上一道菜就要换一次餐具。

饭前在酒吧里的一杯vodka让我昏了一晚上。是在零下3度的房间里面喝的，全身都在抖，像个残疾人。终于明白为什么电影里面的俄罗斯人走路都带着一个破酒瓶。

明天早上要和Gerard一起讲演。Gerard一看就知道我不行，他很聪明。我也知道又要丢脸了，但不上还是丢脸，我很笨。

我爱中文

最近一直在问自己要不要继续用蹩脚的英语写blog, 最后的答案是 - 我是中国人，我爱中文。

第一次写blog是很多年以前的事情了，大概快2年了。那时候才来新加坡不久，吃了不少苦，受了不少打击，而且还找不到地方发泄，于是脑袋一晕，开始blog, 结果到现在都没停下来。
最初的目的之一是练习英语写作，熬夜写了很多篇，水平下降不少。
刚才看了看前几天写的，不忍。。。突然醒悟，原来英语跟中文一点关系都没有！

今天是5。1劳动节，劳动人民的节日，我一个人在公司待了一天。
可以不来的，但是在家也无聊，而且谁叫我身份卑微责任重大呢。遗憾的是，坐在这里什么都没做，听了一整天的歌。。。
今天心情又好郁闷，懒得动都不想动，周期性病发症。

什么都不想说了，又是一天，又老了一天。
外面都黑了，我要回家。

Who Am I ?

There are many weird dreams and affecting songs every night recently, driving me mad.
I dreamed my aged bear doll yesterday, the only doll I had in the whole childhood. I always put it beside my pillow many year ago. He was watching me every night. It's unintelligible I saw him last night, and all of suddenly, I missed him so much, nearly cry.

Rain is frequently this month. It's always sunny in the morning and the whole sky turns gloomy quickly in the afternoon, then the heavy rain comes down. I like this kind of weather a lot, you can see different views and breathe different airs just in one day. It's much more interesting than shining or raining all the time.

Saw her photos on friendster yesterday. Historically beautiful. This is the most intense praise I could find in my poor English glossary. At the same time, I am keen to sing my personality - it's fucking good out of earth.

Originally, I am bloody tired, bought some bread, milk and didn't want to go anywhere today, but RJ called me just now. The whole plan changed...
I haven't seen her near half a year. Actually I feel quite free and comfortable to talk to her because we are friends from senior high school.

The words told by Gerard make me seriously think a lot...... "you are the IT manager now, just do it, no need asking me"

Fragmentized memory

It's unexplainable that I suddenly lost all the passion to write blog two months ago though I'm always keen to remember all the things happened to me. My memory in last two months are totally cracked.

Yesterday -
Woke up at 11am, swimming.
Worked in office from 1pm to 7pm. No one is there and no one asked me to do this. It's just my duty. I have to keep working and studying.
Went to Orchard after that, bought a jeans in Guess. It's cost near 300 bucks. But I don't think I am spoiling money, I just want to get the thing I really want no matter how much it is.
Qian asked me to go Zouk at night. I didn't. I felt fucking tired because of the work and the birthday party on Friday.

Last Friday is Cheng Xin's birthday and I'm always a terrible joker though I never tell any joke - I hate all the traditional and genty jokes! Otherwise, I think my horrible singing in Kbox afflicted them the whole night...

Today -
I would have planned to go GETC, but eventually went to Marina Square with Yewjinn, Sherman and wilfired, because all of us are bored.
We spent the whole day there - waking, eating, drinking, waking, eating, drinking...
The pictures are when we were eating streamboat at Bugis a few days ago.

Listened music for three hours just now. I just couldn't stop once put the CM7 on.
Well, the time is 1:54am at this moment. Sleepy... but there are still some things I haven't done...

I'm from Shaolin

There are always some weird things happen when I wear a low-class white T-shirt and black jeans - the typical dress I like.
Actually I hadn't worn them for a long time, but I put on them today. Then, the weird thing happened.
I saw a girl who I hadn't seen for several years when I met Jiang Wei at bugis. Unfortunately, she doesn't know me, and I also don't know her. It indeed made me feel a bit upset for quite a while.

Everything happened to me recently is sort of weird and unintelligible.

I thought I would look like funny if I shaved all the hair, then I did it today, and it's indeed funny right now. I even coundn't stop laughing at myself when I came out from the haircut hourse.
The food court nuncle looked at me for quit a while, asked "why you cut you hair so short...".
It's strange that every people suddenly would like to ask me the same question. They're really oddfishes.
Trurh be told, I felt sort of sad and want to say sorry to all my hairs. They had been accompanying me long long time but I abandoned them eventually.

As far as now, the good thing is, I haven't felt any uncomfortable with my bald and shining head except a bit cold.
Anyhow, I don't so care how ugly my face is .

New Toy

I don't have any specific emotion to write blog in past one or two months. But it doesn't mean there is nothing happened. Dramatically, it's supposed to be one the most imporant period in my life for the last and the coming month.
No one see it, no one can understand it, and I's not going to tell the whole story to any one. I don't want my friends thinking I bullshit or anything, I also don't want they feeling I am different from them.

Got a wonderful new laptop on the suntec city's IT show a few days ago - Thinkpad X60.
Truth be told, I did feel sort of fear when I was making the big payment. I always have some terrible goddamn fears. Anyhow, it disappeared in ten minutes and I really love my new toy like I love every component belong to me.

It's hard to substantially appraise the messed living I have now...... The only thing I can say is, I was lucky, I found what I loved to do when I was 23.

Feel bad

I feel bad, now and the past a few days, even cannot breathe. One reason is I am a boring guy and the living is also boring. Another reason is I feel sort of stressful.
There are many things I should read and research for efficiently managing the trading networks and our new intranet. The problem is, I even didn't have any mood to do those things but I was forced and I had to. It makes me painful.
Anyhow, it's not the first time and won't be the last time. I have been used to it.

One of the reasons by which I like working for Gerard is, he never forget or trick what he says. If he says he wants to be the best, then he will. I would like to be an important chessman taking charge IT.

Got my big check from Judy and bought her a cafe in this morning. Seated in GETC in the whole afternoon.
I am feeling fucking sleepy at this moment. I am going to have a short sleep now.

The most sore thing in the world is, I can never know the truth because of holding back.

Two days

Monday---
Woke up at 11am, went to office after taking a bath and drinking some cold milk.
I always wake up at this time recently. It likes a boring holiday for me now.

Had dinner at a prime Italy restaurant with Naresh, Lipeng, Gerard and Henk.
It's a amused night. The pizzas and one shot of Rum mixed with lemon juice killed me.
Sometimes I indeed feel lucky to start the career with them.










Tuesday---
Had a meeting with 2 teachers at 3pm in school, regrading my status. I think they never met the same situation before and I sort of bothered them.

Saw Jielin, Caiqi, Shaun, Sherman, Yewjinn, Wilfred, Cindy after their class and we went dinner at a fish food restaurant. It's always crazy and joyful to go out with them:)
There was a bloody pretty foreign girl around us. She is the waiter in that restaurant. I was watching her, all of a sudden, I remembered those days I was working as a waiter...
I asked them if they saw her in school recently, all of them said no. I felt sort of strange and I wish she would be happy in Thailand.

Is she???

The night is dark and it started raining outside again. I am feeling sort of cold now.
Sunshine was bright and hot at daytime, but the rain was coming down with night quickly. What a wonderful weather in Singapore! It's a sufficient reason for me to like here.

Today is a boring day. I don't go anywhere and face a my laptop for a whole day. Only went swimming for a while after waking up because the sunshine was nice at that time - I was thinking why I still cannot swim more than 10 meters no matter how hard I try, the answer is, I'm too skinny to float in water easily...

I felt into some ridiculous imagination just now. I know it's stupid and childdish but I just couldn't stop it.
All of them are because of the strange girl I talked to by QQ yesterday. I just noticed possibly she is girl I saw in those pictures a few days ago.
I indeed hope she is, but some information tells me she isn't. It really drives me mad because I am affected by those pictures and I am keen to know the truth.

Anyhow, I must have a apple now for my empty stomach and stop to read some documentations. Gerard gave me 3 troubled questions regarding email service and I can never say "sorry, I don't know".

A knock

I am sort of excited tonight, no reason. I practically like this feeling, because it lets me know I am still alive.

Had chilli crab and steamboat with Jiang Wei yesterday, the third time I went there this week - you can see how much I like it! I think I shouldn't go there anymore next week because it's not cheap and all.
Didn't see Jiang Wei for a long time. We talked a lot and I stayed at his home overnight, watching some silly and boring TV shows into deep night.
Hello Kitty stuffs are full of Jiang Wei's house, T-shirt, bag, wallet, underwear, toy, anything you can imagine. He purchase them from China and sell to virgin girls in Singapore.
He also have a little dog. It's cute. Actually I prefer cat much more and I will buy a pair if I decide to feed any pet - I don't want them as lonely as me:)

Got home in this afternoon, took a bath, talked to a strange girl online for a while, then went to Orchard road to meet Farhan and Shidar.
We had dinner at a Japanese restaurant. It's a nice place, but, I really cannot take too much raw food no matter how good it is...
Afterward, saw some nice malay guys and had some soft drink with them.
Arrived home at 12 clock. Finally, I am feeling sort of sleepy now...

The Death!

Having some black chocolate and apple juice right now - they are the two things I love. All of suddenly, I am keen to write something about death.

I frequently feel fucking despairing with life. Why I am here? What I live for? What I should pursuit? All the terrific stuffs feaze me out of my control. Then I keep thinking a lot, including death.

Death isn't a terrible or fearful thing for me and all.
I always think it should be a good status being without consciousness, without happiness,sadness, and without anything else in the world like I was never born before. Perhaps this's death.
Otherwise, if there really have god and demon, angel and ghost, I will be more glad. I would like to see what the laws used to judge me and punish me.

Some people would have chosen suicide, like Zhang Guorong. I like him as hell and I respect him as same as I respect Jesus.
In my sight, he is the bravest people in the world who dares to offend death for getting the destination of life!
Frankly, I indeed feel sort of same motivity when I have been feeling into deeply depressive.
Death is the last thing we can pursuit! It's supposed to an end and a new start.

Anyhow, I never think I will kill myself in 10 or 20 years. There are still a lot of attractive and wonderful things in the world for me, accompanying with equivalent affliction.

Nice spring

I was headachy in the whole afternoon, because of a big cup of beer.
Perhaps the sunshine was too warm and the wind was too soft, all of sudden, I felt like to drink some beer when we were having lunch beside Singapore river.
Everyone would have seen how inferior a drinker I am. My face, even my whole body turned red quickly and I was feeling sort of dizzy. That feeling is fucking terrible.
Tell the truth, I never enjoy drinking and I still cannot understand why there are so many people addicted to it, like Naresh, Lipeng, and everyone else.
Sometimes I am really shamed with myself.

Today, school sent me a email, saying they will withdraw my place if I don't go back this week.
Definitely, there is no reason for me to go back, but I got some serious problem with the VISA and all.
Anyhow, I will try to figure it out tomorrow.

Ok, it should be a new year

For me, there hasn't any difference between festival and any other day. It's just an excuse or a convention for doing something which common people don't do usually. Otherwise, I sort of hate it and all because people always have some phony greeting and smile at those days.

The day of chinese new year 2006 is Jan. 28th.
I woke up at 12 clock, took a bath, then started reading the document sent by Stefan. It's a sizing guidelines of EUREX's MISS gateway, the fifth direct connection of futures market we will have.
Played Warcraft with Panzhe, Dejia and Lao Mu in the afternoon, and went to see Qian and Chenxing and some other guys I didn't know in the evening.

Chenxing was sore as hell, because of love - people are always hurted by love.
He drank and talked a lot at that night, drunk as a bastard at last.
I didn't how to comfort him at all or I even didn't expect to comfort him. I know they are much more sophisticated on it than me and I really don't feel like to talk about it too much.
Ironically, I always believe my way and lose my way. My friends think me stupid, and sometimes I also think them stupid.

Stayed at their house over night that night. One reason is I was bored and they are nice guys, another reason is "Final Fantasy X" attracted me as hell.
None of the RPG games I played befored likes FFX. It likes a fantastic and brilliant moive. I am practically the character of the moive!
Planning to buy PS3 since it though I don't feel like Janpan and all.
However, it's sad that the dream living I want only exists in the game or fiction.

Jan 29th advented!
Playing FFX for the whole day and had dinner with Qian.
I never expected to have such wonderful chinese food in Singapore before this day. Chili crab, Fish soup, Steamboad, all of them are fucking original and nice as same as I had in Chengdu two years ago.
Everyone knows I have a great appetite, especially today. And it's the first time I felt sort of moving with the food!

Nevertheless, the thing which makes me depressive all the time is, I miss those crazy buddies in China and the girl I like.
I am always asked when will go back China, but there is no answer, and all.

Wait......

Now I'm still seating in the office, facing the vast and empty room. All of them have left, but I don't, I do not know where to go.
I'm not supposed to feel such lonely and all. There are many friends and many things everyday. But I indeed feel lonely once no one is beside or nothing to do.

Played netball in school yesterday with Caiqi, Jielin, Shaun, Yewjinn, Haidong, Cindy and some facilitators.
I always take position "C", since I cannot shoot nicely and I'm also too short to be a good defender.
Obviously, these facilitators aren't young enough to defeat us:)
The picture is faint, but I like it. It was taken when we were waiting Cindy to go eat after playing.
The dinner we had last week is also amusing.

This week is important for me. The CEO of TransMarket will come to Singapore tomorrow.

There hasn't many things to write down, or it's boring to write down.
I think I should leave now and find some nice food.

I see the living I want, but I won't get forever because it only exists in the fantastic fiction.

I am listening music now, Joy Chou's music, by my wonderful CM7. I like his songs, they always make me fall into deep quiet, looking at everything chillily.
I feel comfortable at this moment and all.

Played soccer with Yewjinn and Shaun and his friends and some Malayan at Jurong east from 11am to 1pm this noon.
The sunshine was malicious that time, burning my skin which was full of sweat. I kept running and running. Eventually, I was feeling sort of dizzy because didn't play soccer for about half a year and didn't have any food in the morning. Anyhow, I haven't been too old to keep standing up.

Went swimming with the guys who stay with me as soon as I arrived home in the afternoon.
The feeling of exhaustion isn't too bad for me.

Read a lot of stuff recently. However, the more things I read, the more suspicion and haze I have regarding the value, the objective of my life.
From scientists' general sight, there is an uniform theory directing everything in universe. It means human's behaviors are also dominated by the theory. We can call it as destiny.
From the front-end quantum theory, we even cannot exactly measure any thing in universe.
From my sight, the physical structure of Man's brain restricts us to fully understand most things in the world like gods or something else. It's despairing.

Otherwise, some fantastic fictions drive me mad recently.
I do admire that kind of legendary living, die in war, fighting for honor, ideality, and love, but it's the living only existing in the ridiculous and splendid imagination that I will never have.

Sleep a lot everyday. I heard a professional said clever guys sleep 6 hours each day and stupid guys sleep 8 hours each day. Nevertheless, I belong to none of them because I sleep 1o hours...

Probably I will go to Sydney next next week and work there for some time.
I would like to go but I indeed don't feel any delightful with it. It's bloody stressful once I think about it.

no mood, no blog

I don't have any mood to write blog recently at all. I am writing this now is just because I am fucking bored at this moment.

Depression dominates me everyday, without any specific reason.
Everthing goes on wonderfully around me. I am supposed to be a fucking happy guy in the world. However, I said I have some terrific psychic problem which is going to kill me.

The only thing made me sort of excited last week is the "great change" we will have with TransMarket.
I have to admit I am fucking lucky guy.

Kept reading a very long fantastic fiction and playing WOW day and night last week. I would have fallen.

There is no reason for me to write anymore. It's such void and tired...

George Soros and got fired

The most famous thing Soros did in the finicial market is he won 1 billion dollars just in one day by trading pound futures at 1992. I heard this impressive story from Naresh.
In this afternoon, Soros gave a speech at Raffle City in Singapore. Gerard, Foochye and I attended it and it's funny that we seat in the first VIP row just because no one knows who we are.
All Soros talks about isn't finance at all. It's about Open Society and democracy. He tries to use his huge money and terrific influence to spread the Open Society in the world. The crucial thing is, sometimes people have to seat down and listen to him because they respect him and be sort of afraid of him.
He has been 75 years old. From my sight, it's really too old for a person to enjoy the countless fortune.

Actually, I couldn't understand most of the speech because of my fucking english ability.
It really depresses me as hell that I still cannot pronounce English well or even express what I think properly.
It has been the most serious obstacle bothering me everyday. I feel fucking irritated with myself.

One more thing, I got fired today, in the morning. Man Financial fired all 5 of us just because they don't want this department.
It's totally ok, all the things are under our prospect and I got a good termination payment.
It's supposed to be a big money for me. However, I indeed have no feeling with it. I notice maybe the only impressive and valuable money is the next dollar I will spend but not the number in bank. I practically don't know why I have this strange thought though I still a poor guy at all.

Otherwise, I got some serious problem right now, regarding if I can stay in Singapore anymore.
I don't feel such worried as before because Gerard and Naresh are the people can trust.

It's my holiday

It started raining when I was playing WOW over night yesterday, and there is no tend showing up it will stop soon.
The rain is big and continuous and all. All the sideways have become small rivers.
The cool wind is similar to the one in China's spring, blowing my face.
How rare and wonderful weather in Singapore.

It's a good news that Mike will come to Singapore again next week with his IT guy. We will try to figure out the new network infrastructure and guide line.
I hope it would be as busy as before. I practically cannot endure this fade and floppy living anymore.

The thing I want to tell right now is, the fucking holiday always let me feel bored and lonely and lapsed as a bastard.

When I was buying the cheese cake in the morning, the old lady asked why I didn't come yesterday. I felt sort of uncomfortable with this question and didn't know how to answer. I just cannot say "none of your business".

Had dinner and some expensive but not as nice as its price icecream with Cindy, Jielin, Caiqi, Sherman and Yewjinn at City link yesterday.
I payed the dinner bill first time because I felt like to.
It's really a vivid and amused meeting and it's really a long period since the last time we met.
Collected my new pants at Suntec City at the same time, but I am not sure whether it's nice and all.

I went to school in this afternoon because the library had sent me overdue notice two times for those two books.
Obviously, there is no reason for me to be afraid of going back, I never betray or abandon the school, but I did feel it on the way, like I never feel like reading the blogs I wrote in the past.
The feeling is hard to explain for anyone.
Perhaps it's because the campus has mixed too many my feelings, or perhaps it's because the weather was damn gloomy at that time, half of the sky was covered by the dark cloud and the rain wetted through my body again on my way back.

When I was trying to find a pretty girl in the library, Yewjinn called me. Then I had to leave and meet him with Jielin and Shaun for the dinner and a movie, one of the most lousy I ever watched.

Weird dream

That dream was really long yesterday.
I dreamed I was jailed in a prison for four years with some old friends.
The weird thing is, the dream was such substantial and it was really as long as four years. While I woke up, I practically felt I had slept several years. However, it was only 9:55am and all.
All these things in dream are illusive, but the feeling is as real as anything.

I think the reason I had that strange dream is because I play online game too much recently and there are always many redicious imaginations in my mind.
When I have nothing to do like being in the train, some conceited and black humor illusions will rise. They delight me and let me feel painful.

It's bored as hell in the new year holiday. It seems like I am a pathetic person abandoned by the convivial world.
All of a sudden, I feel like to go back China. I imagine there should be many funny things to do with those crazy buddies in China.
I have decided to go back at the end this month if work is still as idle as recent days.

Those friends staying in the same house with me right now are friendly and kindly, but I don't feel like going out with them and I don't think we will be close friends.
The only reason is, I could hardly get any impressive passion from them. It really depresses me sometimes.