Feel bad

I feel bad, now and the past a few days, even cannot breathe. One reason is I am a boring guy and the living is also boring. Another reason is I feel sort of stressful.
There are many things I should read and research for efficiently managing the trading networks and our new intranet. The problem is, I even didn't have any mood to do those things but I was forced and I had to. It makes me painful.
Anyhow, it's not the first time and won't be the last time. I have been used to it.

One of the reasons by which I like working for Gerard is, he never forget or trick what he says. If he says he wants to be the best, then he will. I would like to be an important chessman taking charge IT.

Got my big check from Judy and bought her a cafe in this morning. Seated in GETC in the whole afternoon.
I am feeling fucking sleepy at this moment. I am going to have a short sleep now.

The most sore thing in the world is, I can never know the truth because of holding back.

Two days

Monday---
Woke up at 11am, went to office after taking a bath and drinking some cold milk.
I always wake up at this time recently. It likes a boring holiday for me now.

Had dinner at a prime Italy restaurant with Naresh, Lipeng, Gerard and Henk.
It's a amused night. The pizzas and one shot of Rum mixed with lemon juice killed me.
Sometimes I indeed feel lucky to start the career with them.










Tuesday---
Had a meeting with 2 teachers at 3pm in school, regrading my status. I think they never met the same situation before and I sort of bothered them.

Saw Jielin, Caiqi, Shaun, Sherman, Yewjinn, Wilfred, Cindy after their class and we went dinner at a fish food restaurant. It's always crazy and joyful to go out with them:)
There was a bloody pretty foreign girl around us. She is the waiter in that restaurant. I was watching her, all of a sudden, I remembered those days I was working as a waiter...
I asked them if they saw her in school recently, all of them said no. I felt sort of strange and I wish she would be happy in Thailand.

Is she???

The night is dark and it started raining outside again. I am feeling sort of cold now.
Sunshine was bright and hot at daytime, but the rain was coming down with night quickly. What a wonderful weather in Singapore! It's a sufficient reason for me to like here.

Today is a boring day. I don't go anywhere and face a my laptop for a whole day. Only went swimming for a while after waking up because the sunshine was nice at that time - I was thinking why I still cannot swim more than 10 meters no matter how hard I try, the answer is, I'm too skinny to float in water easily...

I felt into some ridiculous imagination just now. I know it's stupid and childdish but I just couldn't stop it.
All of them are because of the strange girl I talked to by QQ yesterday. I just noticed possibly she is girl I saw in those pictures a few days ago.
I indeed hope she is, but some information tells me she isn't. It really drives me mad because I am affected by those pictures and I am keen to know the truth.

Anyhow, I must have a apple now for my empty stomach and stop to read some documentations. Gerard gave me 3 troubled questions regarding email service and I can never say "sorry, I don't know".

A knock

I am sort of excited tonight, no reason. I practically like this feeling, because it lets me know I am still alive.

Had chilli crab and steamboat with Jiang Wei yesterday, the third time I went there this week - you can see how much I like it! I think I shouldn't go there anymore next week because it's not cheap and all.
Didn't see Jiang Wei for a long time. We talked a lot and I stayed at his home overnight, watching some silly and boring TV shows into deep night.
Hello Kitty stuffs are full of Jiang Wei's house, T-shirt, bag, wallet, underwear, toy, anything you can imagine. He purchase them from China and sell to virgin girls in Singapore.
He also have a little dog. It's cute. Actually I prefer cat much more and I will buy a pair if I decide to feed any pet - I don't want them as lonely as me:)

Got home in this afternoon, took a bath, talked to a strange girl online for a while, then went to Orchard road to meet Farhan and Shidar.
We had dinner at a Japanese restaurant. It's a nice place, but, I really cannot take too much raw food no matter how good it is...
Afterward, saw some nice malay guys and had some soft drink with them.
Arrived home at 12 clock. Finally, I am feeling sort of sleepy now...

The Death!

Having some black chocolate and apple juice right now - they are the two things I love. All of suddenly, I am keen to write something about death.

I frequently feel fucking despairing with life. Why I am here? What I live for? What I should pursuit? All the terrific stuffs feaze me out of my control. Then I keep thinking a lot, including death.

Death isn't a terrible or fearful thing for me and all.
I always think it should be a good status being without consciousness, without happiness,sadness, and without anything else in the world like I was never born before. Perhaps this's death.
Otherwise, if there really have god and demon, angel and ghost, I will be more glad. I would like to see what the laws used to judge me and punish me.

Some people would have chosen suicide, like Zhang Guorong. I like him as hell and I respect him as same as I respect Jesus.
In my sight, he is the bravest people in the world who dares to offend death for getting the destination of life!
Frankly, I indeed feel sort of same motivity when I have been feeling into deeply depressive.
Death is the last thing we can pursuit! It's supposed to an end and a new start.

Anyhow, I never think I will kill myself in 10 or 20 years. There are still a lot of attractive and wonderful things in the world for me, accompanying with equivalent affliction.

Nice spring

I was headachy in the whole afternoon, because of a big cup of beer.
Perhaps the sunshine was too warm and the wind was too soft, all of sudden, I felt like to drink some beer when we were having lunch beside Singapore river.
Everyone would have seen how inferior a drinker I am. My face, even my whole body turned red quickly and I was feeling sort of dizzy. That feeling is fucking terrible.
Tell the truth, I never enjoy drinking and I still cannot understand why there are so many people addicted to it, like Naresh, Lipeng, and everyone else.
Sometimes I am really shamed with myself.

Today, school sent me a email, saying they will withdraw my place if I don't go back this week.
Definitely, there is no reason for me to go back, but I got some serious problem with the VISA and all.
Anyhow, I will try to figure it out tomorrow.

Ok, it should be a new year

For me, there hasn't any difference between festival and any other day. It's just an excuse or a convention for doing something which common people don't do usually. Otherwise, I sort of hate it and all because people always have some phony greeting and smile at those days.

The day of chinese new year 2006 is Jan. 28th.
I woke up at 12 clock, took a bath, then started reading the document sent by Stefan. It's a sizing guidelines of EUREX's MISS gateway, the fifth direct connection of futures market we will have.
Played Warcraft with Panzhe, Dejia and Lao Mu in the afternoon, and went to see Qian and Chenxing and some other guys I didn't know in the evening.

Chenxing was sore as hell, because of love - people are always hurted by love.
He drank and talked a lot at that night, drunk as a bastard at last.
I didn't how to comfort him at all or I even didn't expect to comfort him. I know they are much more sophisticated on it than me and I really don't feel like to talk about it too much.
Ironically, I always believe my way and lose my way. My friends think me stupid, and sometimes I also think them stupid.

Stayed at their house over night that night. One reason is I was bored and they are nice guys, another reason is "Final Fantasy X" attracted me as hell.
None of the RPG games I played befored likes FFX. It likes a fantastic and brilliant moive. I am practically the character of the moive!
Planning to buy PS3 since it though I don't feel like Janpan and all.
However, it's sad that the dream living I want only exists in the game or fiction.

Jan 29th advented!
Playing FFX for the whole day and had dinner with Qian.
I never expected to have such wonderful chinese food in Singapore before this day. Chili crab, Fish soup, Steamboad, all of them are fucking original and nice as same as I had in Chengdu two years ago.
Everyone knows I have a great appetite, especially today. And it's the first time I felt sort of moving with the food!

Nevertheless, the thing which makes me depressive all the time is, I miss those crazy buddies in China and the girl I like.
I am always asked when will go back China, but there is no answer, and all.

Wait......

Now I'm still seating in the office, facing the vast and empty room. All of them have left, but I don't, I do not know where to go.
I'm not supposed to feel such lonely and all. There are many friends and many things everyday. But I indeed feel lonely once no one is beside or nothing to do.

Played netball in school yesterday with Caiqi, Jielin, Shaun, Yewjinn, Haidong, Cindy and some facilitators.
I always take position "C", since I cannot shoot nicely and I'm also too short to be a good defender.
Obviously, these facilitators aren't young enough to defeat us:)
The picture is faint, but I like it. It was taken when we were waiting Cindy to go eat after playing.
The dinner we had last week is also amusing.

This week is important for me. The CEO of TransMarket will come to Singapore tomorrow.

There hasn't many things to write down, or it's boring to write down.
I think I should leave now and find some nice food.

I see the living I want, but I won't get forever because it only exists in the fantastic fiction.

I am listening music now, Joy Chou's music, by my wonderful CM7. I like his songs, they always make me fall into deep quiet, looking at everything chillily.
I feel comfortable at this moment and all.

Played soccer with Yewjinn and Shaun and his friends and some Malayan at Jurong east from 11am to 1pm this noon.
The sunshine was malicious that time, burning my skin which was full of sweat. I kept running and running. Eventually, I was feeling sort of dizzy because didn't play soccer for about half a year and didn't have any food in the morning. Anyhow, I haven't been too old to keep standing up.

Went swimming with the guys who stay with me as soon as I arrived home in the afternoon.
The feeling of exhaustion isn't too bad for me.

Read a lot of stuff recently. However, the more things I read, the more suspicion and haze I have regarding the value, the objective of my life.
From scientists' general sight, there is an uniform theory directing everything in universe. It means human's behaviors are also dominated by the theory. We can call it as destiny.
From the front-end quantum theory, we even cannot exactly measure any thing in universe.
From my sight, the physical structure of Man's brain restricts us to fully understand most things in the world like gods or something else. It's despairing.

Otherwise, some fantastic fictions drive me mad recently.
I do admire that kind of legendary living, die in war, fighting for honor, ideality, and love, but it's the living only existing in the ridiculous and splendid imagination that I will never have.

Sleep a lot everyday. I heard a professional said clever guys sleep 6 hours each day and stupid guys sleep 8 hours each day. Nevertheless, I belong to none of them because I sleep 1o hours...

Probably I will go to Sydney next next week and work there for some time.
I would like to go but I indeed don't feel any delightful with it. It's bloody stressful once I think about it.

no mood, no blog

I don't have any mood to write blog recently at all. I am writing this now is just because I am fucking bored at this moment.

Depression dominates me everyday, without any specific reason.
Everthing goes on wonderfully around me. I am supposed to be a fucking happy guy in the world. However, I said I have some terrific psychic problem which is going to kill me.

The only thing made me sort of excited last week is the "great change" we will have with TransMarket.
I have to admit I am fucking lucky guy.

Kept reading a very long fantastic fiction and playing WOW day and night last week. I would have fallen.

There is no reason for me to write anymore. It's such void and tired...

George Soros and got fired

The most famous thing Soros did in the finicial market is he won 1 billion dollars just in one day by trading pound futures at 1992. I heard this impressive story from Naresh.
In this afternoon, Soros gave a speech at Raffle City in Singapore. Gerard, Foochye and I attended it and it's funny that we seat in the first VIP row just because no one knows who we are.
All Soros talks about isn't finance at all. It's about Open Society and democracy. He tries to use his huge money and terrific influence to spread the Open Society in the world. The crucial thing is, sometimes people have to seat down and listen to him because they respect him and be sort of afraid of him.
He has been 75 years old. From my sight, it's really too old for a person to enjoy the countless fortune.

Actually, I couldn't understand most of the speech because of my fucking english ability.
It really depresses me as hell that I still cannot pronounce English well or even express what I think properly.
It has been the most serious obstacle bothering me everyday. I feel fucking irritated with myself.

One more thing, I got fired today, in the morning. Man Financial fired all 5 of us just because they don't want this department.
It's totally ok, all the things are under our prospect and I got a good termination payment.
It's supposed to be a big money for me. However, I indeed have no feeling with it. I notice maybe the only impressive and valuable money is the next dollar I will spend but not the number in bank. I practically don't know why I have this strange thought though I still a poor guy at all.

Otherwise, I got some serious problem right now, regarding if I can stay in Singapore anymore.
I don't feel such worried as before because Gerard and Naresh are the people can trust.

It's my holiday

It started raining when I was playing WOW over night yesterday, and there is no tend showing up it will stop soon.
The rain is big and continuous and all. All the sideways have become small rivers.
The cool wind is similar to the one in China's spring, blowing my face.
How rare and wonderful weather in Singapore.

It's a good news that Mike will come to Singapore again next week with his IT guy. We will try to figure out the new network infrastructure and guide line.
I hope it would be as busy as before. I practically cannot endure this fade and floppy living anymore.

The thing I want to tell right now is, the fucking holiday always let me feel bored and lonely and lapsed as a bastard.

When I was buying the cheese cake in the morning, the old lady asked why I didn't come yesterday. I felt sort of uncomfortable with this question and didn't know how to answer. I just cannot say "none of your business".

Had dinner and some expensive but not as nice as its price icecream with Cindy, Jielin, Caiqi, Sherman and Yewjinn at City link yesterday.
I payed the dinner bill first time because I felt like to.
It's really a vivid and amused meeting and it's really a long period since the last time we met.
Collected my new pants at Suntec City at the same time, but I am not sure whether it's nice and all.

I went to school in this afternoon because the library had sent me overdue notice two times for those two books.
Obviously, there is no reason for me to be afraid of going back, I never betray or abandon the school, but I did feel it on the way, like I never feel like reading the blogs I wrote in the past.
The feeling is hard to explain for anyone.
Perhaps it's because the campus has mixed too many my feelings, or perhaps it's because the weather was damn gloomy at that time, half of the sky was covered by the dark cloud and the rain wetted through my body again on my way back.

When I was trying to find a pretty girl in the library, Yewjinn called me. Then I had to leave and meet him with Jielin and Shaun for the dinner and a movie, one of the most lousy I ever watched.

Weird dream

That dream was really long yesterday.
I dreamed I was jailed in a prison for four years with some old friends.
The weird thing is, the dream was such substantial and it was really as long as four years. While I woke up, I practically felt I had slept several years. However, it was only 9:55am and all.
All these things in dream are illusive, but the feeling is as real as anything.

I think the reason I had that strange dream is because I play online game too much recently and there are always many redicious imaginations in my mind.
When I have nothing to do like being in the train, some conceited and black humor illusions will rise. They delight me and let me feel painful.

It's bored as hell in the new year holiday. It seems like I am a pathetic person abandoned by the convivial world.
All of a sudden, I feel like to go back China. I imagine there should be many funny things to do with those crazy buddies in China.
I have decided to go back at the end this month if work is still as idle as recent days.

Those friends staying in the same house with me right now are friendly and kindly, but I don't feel like going out with them and I don't think we will be close friends.
The only reason is, I could hardly get any impressive passion from them. It really depresses me sometimes.

Vitas! Vitas!

Vitas! It was amazing me after listening his song yesterday by accident though I couldn't understand Russian at all.
Went throught the whole Orchard road in the afternoon but coundn't find his CD anyhow, bloody depressed.

Opera #2 [3:15]
My house is finished building
But I'm alone inside of it.
The door slammed behind my back
An autumn wind knocks on my window
Cries over me again.
Storm at night
Fog at the morning
The sun completely got cold.
Long-standing aches are coming by their turn
Let them gather together.
It's my fate, and I can't ask my fate for anything
I know only that after my death
Winds are going to wail.

Time is the killer, everything.

Got a cake just now. There is a nice cake house near SGX that I have been used to having a cheese cake everyday for breakfast. Luckily, there has no trend that I would be a fat guy.

Kind Naresh bought some pizza and a birthday cake yesterday to celebrate my past birthday and Foochye's coming birthday.
He presented me Hugo-Boss wallet. It's nice, but I even don't have enough money or cards to fill up it and all. Additionally, It seems like wallet is always an excrescent thing in my pocket.
I realized I was supposed to prepare some Christmas gifts for them, but it's too late.

Bought a book and a Guess jean yesterday evening because didn't want to go home too early.
“A brief history of time”, the best science book I ever read. I practically read the chinese version two times couple years ago.

Time always runs out so fast. Usually feel nothing happens or has been done, one day would have gone.

The days

2005 Christams day has gone.

I remember I made a promise for myself at last year's Christmas night, and I also remember impressively how void, how despairing and how dark it was at that terrible time.
However, this year, I indeed don't know whether I achieved that promise. Everything around me has changed, I am still the same.
I wouldn't like to depict how terrific mood I take anymore even once or how regretful I am. The only thing I want to say is, I am a fucking moron and all.

Game accompanys with me on Christmas. I was playing World Of Warcraft all throught these three days without day and night.
I used to laugh at Pan Zhe and Dejia that they are crazy to play this game everyday. Practically I am much more crazy than them once start.
The thing made me sort of happy was, JY and YY were playing game together with me on these nights - they are my fucking buddies in China. But, there is a bit of difference - they are hurt by too many loves.

Otherwise, it's really difficult for me to choose a word to admire World Of Warcraft. It seems like none of the words is intense enough.
Maybe it's because I don't have a terrific vocabulary to praise something - I think I should read some Christian books and all.

Today is my birthday, but I didn't tell anybody.
One reason is I perceive I have been very old and have no courage to face it. And another reason is, there is on one I feel like to celebrate with at all.

Sometimes I really imagine, if I have a choice, I will choose never borned before.

World of Warcraft, Jesus, fucking Christmas

Arriving office at 9:30am, leaving after 4:00pm, and doing whatever you would like to do during those hours. Is there any more comfortable work than this? However, It's totally not the career I want.
There are supposed to be many things for me learn by using current time, but I am just not in the mood. It seems like I have lost the objective to direct myself.
I am waiting, waiting for the revival and start everything from scratch.

Started playing World Of Warcraft yesterday till 5 am.
It's the most splendid online game I ever saw. The landscape, the scenario, the sense, all the things inside the fantastic world move me.
Otherwise, it's glad to play game again with those old friends in China.

When I was in the cab yesterday, the driver gave me a Christiany brochure kindly. I read several pages which are full of gorgeous and phony words on the way and near puked.
Anyhow, I said many thinks with phony smile to the kind driver when I got off the cab -- I always pretend to be a gentman to strangers, and threw the goddamn brochure away as soon as I found a trash can.
Practically I am not an atheist, I just don't understand why the Gods are always even more phony than me.
For intance, Jesus says he will save the people who believe and pray him, but if I am a god, I will say I will save all the good people no matter they believe me or not. At this point, I am sort of more merciful than Jusus, and all.

There were also many church celebration adverts on the brochure's back page. All of a sudden, I noticed that, the fucking Christmas day was coming. That killed me.

New Glasses!

Just arrived GETC and trying to find something to do.
Originally I intended to write blog yesterday, but kept watching TV the whole night though I don't like it at all, just because sometimes it's hard to stop once start.

When I woke up in Sunday morning, felt sort of tiredness to go anywhere and decided to stay at home. However, bore and void came soon which would kill me.
I fell into terrible mood in the whole day that even every face depressed me when I was walking on the street for dinner.
I think I do have some serious psychic sickness.

Saturday.
Collected the glasses I bought a few day ago at City Hall before went to Border for books and met Farhan at Orchard for movies.
There are incredible numbers of people filling in anywhere and the fucking queue outside the theaters is terrific making Farhan and me feel despairing.
Had dinner with Huang Hui and Qian at Geylang beside the red-light district.
It's a corny restaurant opened by chinese, but you could hardly find any other place which has more original chinese food than its.
It was a bit embarrassing for me, because both Huang and Qian brought their dates and I had to talk with myself sometimes... Anyhow, it was a nice dinner and all.
Afterward, went to Tampines theater but no ticket once more. Played Warcraft with Huang later.

Really like my dear new Hugo-Boss black plastic glasses. I was looking for it for a long time!

Night of MOS

Just came back from Ministry Of Sound and took a bath. It's a stupid night.
I figured on going to this new british club with Farhan and his friends, but we even couldn't enter it at all because there were too many terrific enthusiasts queuing and crowding outside in the whole night.
Frankly, I never saw such a long queue before even in China - people in China never queue politely. And I also never saw so many wonderful Ferraris appearing at a same place.
Otherwise, the only thing which is sort of joyful in the boring queuing is watching beautiful girls moving around with nice figure and dress, and all.

Finally, after about three hours' queuing we were getting to the front of the gateway, but all of a sudden, I decided quit.
I was just feeling I'd already had no mood to enjoy the gorgeous club anymore. Roughly to say, is there anything worse than losing all the passion after a long time waiting and expecting? It depressed me as hell.
Bought a coke-light at sellm-achine and walked a long way to get a cab at the deep night.

Smoked a lot today though I never like it at all.

3:06 am

What should I write down at this moment? I am sort of hesitating.

It's hard to believe how sleepy I am. Slept 10 hours yesterday but still sleepy at daytime. Perhaps it's because there is nothing to do except reading and walking around.
Went bed as soon as got home at 7pm, up at 12pm and had some drink and apple.
Practically I figured on going swimming in the evening. Maybe tomorrow.

Had some nice Crabs with Gerard, Li Peng, Jarya and Foochye yesterday. I really like it as hell.

Foochye is a typical conceited fucker though he is no bad at working, but only nontechnical work.
I wouldn't like to take it in details beause it let me feel noisy and all, especially the part he insults Gerard behind.

Took some pictures today.
First one is my desk with Windows, Solaris and Linux system connecting to internet and servers to deal with all kinds of stuff.
The Second is the main board of the trading center. Most of the plasma screens which were displaying the market informations from Bloomberg have been shut down. Dismal views.

I don't know I should cry or laugh

Got reading when arrived GETC at 9:30 in the morning.
"The catcher in the rye".
Started reading the english version one year ago but didn't finish it at that time. Therefore, I'd decided to restart from the beginning last week.

It's idle in recently because there is no trader in this place anymore, only us. Howevr, it's not easy for Gerard.
He is contacting with some brilliant companies regarding the proprietary trading he would like to do though we are still under the employment of Man Financial.
The hell killing me is my spoken English is still fucking awful that couldn't help on it a bit.

Went to school in the afternoon to borrow some book.
It's surprise that there are still many students in school in holiday and every face is familiar.
RP is small but you could nerver meet the one you want, hehe.

Left work at 5:30. It makes me goddamn uncomfortable to go home such early. I hate this feeling that don't know where to go at all.
I was wandering in shopmall about one hour like a homeless hyena.
Shopping is indeed a amusing thing to treat time and I would like to do it once I feel lonesome. Besides, I am a hell spendthrift recently.

Chris'd sent me the email regarding the documentations of TT. I really wonder understanding "the best trading platform in the world".
Those documentations are tremendous and I got a big job and all.

Beautiful raining day

It's was raining in the afternoon. What a wonderful picture outside of the window! Therefore, I decided to go out.
Running in the dense raindrops to MRT. Fast running made me breathless - I had been lacking exercise for too long time and all. It also made me sort of excited and I certainly like this feeling.

I become more and more psychic in recently because the change in my mind is subtile after striking up a gorgeous career. It makes me sort of brilliant and promising but I feel more and more lonesome and all.
I have to leave school, apart from those nice friends and being a distinct guy from their sight. All the things depress me.
Otherwise, I am sort of self-proud sometimes. I assume I would be a millionaire in future and I hope it's not my stupid illusion and all.
No one knows all these fucking things and no one cares about it at all. It kills me.

Practically I still don't feel very good today because of the goddamn sick of stomach.
Had a fish soup and a piece of cheese cake for dinner, cheerful.

Sick

I am sick, the most serious one in Singapore
Went to toilet many times and even threw up yesterday night.
It's bloody painful, frozen and helpless. I even couldn't move any more. I thought I was going to die at that time.
Amazingly, it's much better when I wake up in this morning, but still weak and uncomfortable.
The feeling of sick is indeed horrible, hate it.

Went to SuSe linux meetup yesterday and saw Anto again.
She is the most sociable lady I ever saw and it's really interesting to talk with her.
However, it seems like she has forgotten she still owes me one day salary for the work at Challenger long long time ago.

Hazy

No one is in trading center today except 5 of us. REFCO has gone for ever.

It's such coincident.
Last friday is the last trading day and it's also the last day before RP's holiday.
I said, it was always bloody gloomy for me at every last day in RP. It's also not a good day this time though I am not in school anymore.
Still cannot get rid of......

MAN financial has given me a new contract. It looks like nice but I indeed do not feel any delight about it.
What I am concerned now is how we start from scratch.
Definitely, we have lost the superior support from London, when we stand up again next time, I must be the one.

However, have to admit I'm really a lazy guy.
Lied on bed on last Saturday and Sunday, watching "NARUTO" from 1 to 70 for the two whole days without stop! Besides a short swimming at downstair.
Japan's cartoons are fucking brilliant though it's a nasty country, wonderful picture, wonderful scenario, wonderful sense.
Contrastively, China's cartoons are produced only for brains disabled people.

Really hazy now. Where I will stand tomorrow...

Completist

I always dislike and look down upon those people who are hesitating and irresolute to make decision. Nevertheless, I am just that kind of person and seems like it becomes more and more serious.
This is the reason I do hate myself.

Planed to buy a new handphone a long time ago, but have not bought until now. I have already been hesitant for several months!
Some people halting just because of the fear and cares, but they are not the reason for me.
Money is already not the main consideration. The problem is there isn't a perfect one I like extremely.
I think I am a completist pursuing perfect things in the world, unfortunately, the world is always fragmentary and unideal driving me into distress. And this is the fucking inherent character which is the hardest thing for me to change.

Anyhow, I will go to solve this tomorrow.

The only thing I can do is laughing at myself, then make a windy blessing.

I am extremely emotional right now and the jealousness is full of my mind, only because of the reading of the blog which belongs to the girl I like for a long long time whereas no one knows.
She is such bright, colorful and unaffected. Her blog is filled with happyness and the prime heart with her boyfriend.
Look my blog, like a dead sea scroll recording how I fall and how I perish day by day full of darkness and chaos. I feel deep ashamed and be irritated about myself, fuck.

Nothing more to write. There is no word in the world could present what the fucking feeling I have now, and everything becomes worse and worse, ruining me slowly.
Anyhow, sincerely hope she could be the most brilliant girl in the world, god bless her richly with me.

Wonder children are always unhappy!

Ate two breads, one black pepper chickren rice at Tampines mall after working and took one piece of cheese cake home.
Actually I intended to buy some clothes, but didn't see any nice one.
Eating is really a pleasing thing, it lets me feel the world is significant......

Go home early at 8pm everyday from last week.
That feeling and ambience in GETC are indeed bad, because we are absolutely the best but we are falling down with enemy's conviviality.

Today suddenly sensed that, perhaps what I would lose in this disaster is not job or money, it's the opportunity to keep learning from Chris about the IT management.
He does open the window of the world for us and bring us to the top of global electronic trading, but London and Singapore have broken into pieces.

Stayed at Shaun's home yesterday and went to school in the morning.
We ordered pizza from Pizza Hut, but it was not as nice as normal. Watched some silly TV shows into deep night......
Shaun lives in happiness, and obviously, I do not. Saw a words a few days ago: wonder children are always unhappy. It presents me so well, haha.

What should I say

No one can imagine how bad situation it becomes today, for Gerard, for Naresh, for Li Peng, for Foochye and for me.
MAN is going to shutdown our global electronic trading center in SGX on next Monday and it means perhaps I could not stay in Singapore anymore.

Jeremy from UOB comes to our trading center today.
It's impressive that he sent me an email privately when we just fell into trouble three weeks ago, asking me to work for him. I was really delighted at that time and searched how to write the rejecton letter online for quite a while and replyed him politely.
Don't like UOB and it cannot solve the fucking problem I have now at all.

However, it seems like I am still calm now. It couldn't bother me too much though it's going to kill me, hehe.

Kept watching the EUR dollar and German bond market in the whole evening and actually made 10K dollars by 100K fund. Unfortunately, it's just a training account......

Go home early today becacuse there is only one trader tonight, an old man with robust energy like superman.

Anyhow, the feeling I have now is strange, despairing and liberative.